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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255800">Not all days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_Marco_99/pseuds/L_Marco_99'>L_Marco_99</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Benny Lafitte &amp; Dean Winchester Friendship, Canon Compliant, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester in Purgatory, Coda, Dean Winchester is Sam Winchester's Parent, Destiel - Freeform, First Kiss, Friendship, Leviathan - Freeform, Light Angst, M/M, PurGAYtory | The Inherent Homoeroticism of the Purgatory Arc (Supernatural), Purgatory</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:33:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255800</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_Marco_99/pseuds/L_Marco_99</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Purgatory was bloody. Messy. Thirty-one flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties. Hell, most days felt like 360-degree combat. </p><p>That’s how Dean had described purgatory to Sam when he first came back from it. And it was an accurate description. Yes, most days did feel like 360-degree combat. But not all days. There were these moments, few and far apart, where he, Benny, and Cass could stop for a bit when for some miracle there was nothing after them and they were able to rest for some time. And those moments were not all bad. Sure, it was still dirty, and bloody and terrifying, but there were moments of warmth, of comfort.  </p><p> </p><p>WARNING: This fic is canon-compliant, and everyone knows how the Purgatory arc ends. So don't expect the happiest of endings.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Three months of purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Purgatory was bloody. Messy. Thirty-one flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties. Hell, most days felt like 360-degree combat.</p>
<p>That’s how Dean had described purgatory to Sam when he first came back from it. And it was an accurate description. Yes, most days did feel like 360-degree combat. But not all days. Sometimes there would be moments, few and far apart, where he, Benny, and Cass could stop. When by some miracle there was nothing after them, and they could just rest for a few hours. If they were lucky, these moments of peace would last almost an entire day. And they were not all bad. Sure, it was still dirty, and bloody and terrifying, but some of those memories had a certain sense of warmth. </p>
<p>The first time they caught a break, none of them could actually believe it. They had been fighting non-stop since they had found Cas, and couldn't let their guard down even after almost an hour without hearing or encountering anything. As they made their progress through the woods in peace, Benny started to slow their pace, until they eventually stopped at a clearing. The three of them were still on edge, arms at hand and looking over their shoulders constantly, but Dean was also so tired he didn't even question Benny's decision to stop. </p>
<p>The vampire was the first one to let go of his blade and sit down, getting as far as closing his eyes for a bit. Dean followed, although he did not let go of the blade he was caring nor closed his eyes, simply sat and relaxed his muscles for a second. Cas didn’t sit down at all. He was in full “guardian-angel” mode – back straight, sober expression and eyes clear and focused – and didn't seem willing to do anything other than keep watch over them. Dean was aware angel didn’t need sleep (neither of them did in purgatory, actually), but seeing Cas all tensed up like that was making him uneasy for some reason. </p>
<p>“Cas, come on dude. Sit down for a second, will you?” Cas lowered his eyes to him for a second but ignored the request completely. Dean took a deep, patient breath. “You will hear them if they come any closer and then we can carry on with our daily massacre, but I will go crazy if I don’t sit down and rest for like five minutes, you hear me?”</p>
<p>“When I wasn't carrying two monster magnets with me, I would catch a few peaceful days now and then.”, Benny grumbled. "Simpler times..."</p>
<p>"Hey, you chose to use the monster magnets as a free ride home, remember pal?" retorted Dean, turning his back to Cas and facing the vampire, who had laid his head against a fallen tree trunk.</p>
<p>"Oh, I'm not complaining, brother" Benny flashed him a cunning smile and pulled his cap over his eyes. His arms were crossed over his body, and he looked almost <em>too relaxed,</em> given their current situation. “Just saying Purgatory is a big place. I’m sure even with the two of you calling out for every single monster around us we might be able to catch a couple of hours of tranquility”.</p>
<p>“See?" Dean turned to Cas again and pointed at Benny. "Even Twilight here agrees”</p>
<p>“What do you mean by twilight?” asked the vampire, without raising the cap off his eyes. Dean sighed. Between the angel and the vampire who had been dead for decades, his pop culture references were probably a foreign dialect.</p>
<p>“My point is..." he continued, ignoring Benny's question. "You can rest for a moment, Cas”</p>
<p>“I don’t need rest, Dean”, the angel answered, in his usual flat tone. Since they had found him by the river, Dean had seen rare glimpses of emotion from Castiel. The angel seemed anxious, worried, and kind of sad, most of the time. But when he talked in this low, emotionless voice, he was more “angel of the lord” than anything else. It was not a bad thing, since the Castiel who watched bees and played twister wouldn’t be of much use right now, but it also worried Dean, because this Cas was much harder to read.</p>
<p>“Well, I do”, he finally answered, probably sounding as tired as he actually felt.</p>
<p>“Then I’ll watch over you”. Dean rolled his eyes. This argument was taking precious seconds away from their monster-free time. </p>
<p>“You can do this while sitting down, Cas”. Without thinking too much about it, Dean grabbed Cas by the sleeve and pulled him down. He was obviously not strong enough to <em>actually</em> pull the angel to the ground, but Cas sat, maybe as a sign of truce. He was still unquiet and tense, overall uncomfortable, but this was Cas. When <em>wasn't</em> he acting uncomfortable? When Dean had the angel sitting at his side, he let off a small sigh and petted Cas’s on the leg. “See? That wasn’t so hard”.</p>
<p>Cas gave him a look of utter annoyance, which Dean thought was very human of him, and turned back to stare at where they had come through like a guard dog. Dean figured that was the best he would get from Cas in terms of decompression, so he mirrored Benny and allowed himself to lie down, but kept his knife at hand. Since sleep wasn’t a physiological necessity in Purgatory, he had a hard time doing so. He could close his eyes and almost doze off for a few minutes but would eventually open them again and find himself staring at Cas’s back. The angel didn’t move a muscle.</p>
<p>Dean was relieved that Cas was lucid again, but there was still something wrong. He could feel it. Maybe the angel still felt guilty about the Leviathan and the casualties he caused during his brief time as God, or the damage he inflicted on Sam... Dean couldn’t blame him for not being able to get rid of that feeling. Cas <em>had</em> screwed up. Big time. But right now neither of them had the time nor the energy to unpack all of that baggage, so Dean made a mental note to talk to Cas about all of that when they got home and could sit somewhere quiet, just the two of them. Then maybe he could actually convince Cas that it hadn’t been his fault. Well, technically it had been, but the angel meant well at the time. He was only trying to help, and now that Sam was ok and the Leviathan were back in purgatory. That was all that mattered.</p>
<p>After some time of a much-appreciated silence, Benny turned his head to them and raised his hat from his eyes “So…", The vampire started, in an unusual conversation tone "What’s your story?”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, what?” Dean raised his head and looked at him with his eyes wide open, genuinely shocked by the question. Their relationship was <em>not</em> based on personal questions, and that had come out of absolutely nowhere. He stared at Benny, but the vampire had lowered the cap over his eyes again</p>
<p>“I mean, I got the basics” Benny gesticulated vagally towards Dean and Cas. “Angel, hunter, Leviathan, blah blah blah. But how does a hunter become friends with an angel in the first place? I’m not religious or anything, but as far as I can tell, they are some powerful bastards. No offense, Castiel".</p>
<p>"None taken", Cas answered, sounding so distracted that Dean was surprised he had actually listened to what Benny had said. Though of course, Castiel was always listening to everything.</p>
<p>"Anyway, I've seen what those fuckers can do. But your angel over here?” Benny gave Cas a side look from underneath the cap. “He lets you pet him”</p>
<p>“I don’t <em>pet</em> him” Dean grouched, sounding more defensive than he actually intended to. </p>
<p>“You do pet me constantly since you found me here” Cas muttered, absentmindedly, and Dean had to resist the urge to turned around to kick him. “You didn’t use to do it as much, but here you…”</p>
<p>“Cas, shut up!” Dean averted, trying not to look directly at the angel. Benny didn’t even try to conceal his laughter.</p>
<p>“So... how did <em>this</em> happen?” Dean felt the urge to punch someone turning from Cas to Benny, but all he did was roll his eyes and ignore the vampire once again. They hadn’t had any backstory expositions until this point, and they weren’t about to start having them now.</p>
<p>“I raised him out of Hell” Cas answered before Dean could even think about something to change the subject. “And then he convinced me to betray Heaven”.</p>
<p>“And I assume you listened to him?” Benny looked more interested than he should, and Dean realized he was done with that whole conversation.</p>
<p>“Yes. I did”. Cas went silent after that, and thankfully, Benny didn’t ask anything else. It was better that way, Dean thought to himself. He didn’t plan on staying in Purgatory much longer, and the less he befriended the vampire, the better. Still, it was good to see Cas taking part in any form of normal interaction.</p>
<p>Unconsciously, Dean moved one hand to his shoulder, where there was a fading handprint on his skin. The mark Cas had left on him when he raised him from hell. God, how long was that? Four years now? The angel was so different back then, every inch of him a righteous soldier, extremely obnoxious and not very pleasant to be around. Nothing like the guy who had crashed the impala naked and covered in bees a few months back. Truth is, Dean secretly liked both versions of Cas: the warrior and the nutjob. But neither of them was his favorite. His favorite was the Castiel who had zapped him out of the green room after shoving Zacharia God knows where, the one who turned his back on heaven for him, who had thrown him against a wall and beaten the shit out of him when he thought about surrendering to Michael. The Castiel who had shown up at a very surprised prophet’s house and said: "We are making it up as we go”. Looking back on those memories, Dean decided <em>that</em> was the exact moment he realized just how much he liked Cas, and how thankful he was for having him by his side. Their relationship had gone through many ups and downs (mostly downs) over the past year, with the whole business with Crowly and souls, then with Sam... Dean suddenly realized he hadn’t told Cas how much he was grateful for having him back. Not properly, anyway.</p>
<p>At this point, however, he wasn’t even sure Cas would listen if he told him something like that. The angel’s head seemed to be miles away ever since they had found him by the river, and the truth is: after Dean convinced Cas to join him and Benny, they had barely spoken. Of course, it was difficult to have a real conversation when you’re too busy trying to survive every second of every day, so it wasn't exactly their fault. Still, there was too much left unsaid, as usual, and he didn't like that. </p>
<p>Even though nothing bad happened while they rested, the three of them remained cautious. After about thirty minutes of rest, Benny rose and told them to keep moving. They were still not being followed, but neither of them felt very comfortable just lying there, waiting for something to get to them. Still, they moved at a slower pace than usual, which was good after almost three months of running practically all the time.</p>
<p>At some point they had fallen into a comfortable formation – Benny at the front, guiding the way, Dean in the middle, and Cas behind them, guarding their backs – and unconsciously kept at that.  All things considered, they made a decent team. Dean was used to fighting with someone else by his side ever since he could remember, and Benny and Cas did not let him down. Each of them was a skilled fighter on their own, and Cass and Dean had some practice fighting together. He wasn’t sure if Benny was used to fighting with a team or if the vampire was just a fast learner, but the three of them had quickly fallen into a comfortable dynamic, each knowing their place during a fight without much more than a glace from the other. He felt almost as comfortable fighting with them as he did with Sam. Almost.  </p>
<p>Of course, he trusted Sam to guard his back as he would never trust another soul, not even Cas. When he had his brother with him, Dean didn't even glance over his shoulder during a fight, since he knew Sam was there guarding his rear. It wasn't something he allowed himself to do when fighting alongside other people.</p>
<p>With Benny and Cas, he would keep an eye on what was going on behind him, but mostly he would keep his focus on the enemy at hand and rely on the two of them to take care of the rest. It was not blind trust, like what he had with Sam, but it was pretty damn close. Cas was particularly useful against almost anything other than Leviathan, which meant he made up for the attention he drew by eviscerating almost everything he attracted. Benny would never admit it out loud, but Dean had a feeling he was not as annoyed by Cas's presence as he would like them to believe. Dean couldn’t blame him. Cas had that effect on people.</p>
<p>At that moment, walking calmly with one of them in front of him and the other at his back, Dean figured his situation was far from ideal, but it certainly could have been worse.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Four months of purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benny watched while Castiel blasted the life out of a vampire. It was faster and cleaner than what he and Dean had to do – one flash of light and it was over – but for some reason, it terrified him a hell of a lot more. If the angel one day decided to come for him, there was absolutely nothing Benny could do about it. That along with the fact that Benny was almost sure the angel wouldn’t be able to go through the portal made Castiel’s presence disquieting, to say the least. Benny had a feeling Cas wasn’t a fan of him or the plan either, but Dean had no interest in listening to either of them and, without Dean, the whole thing was pointless. So Benny had no other choice but to go along with it.</p><p>At first, he wasn’t sure why Cas remained with them. The angel was clearly uncomfortable with the situation, and he <em>could</em> disappear at will, but for some reason, he stuck around. It was only after a few weeks in the company of Cas and Dean that Benny finally got it: the angel would do everything in his power to not upset Dean.</p><p>It was not obvious at first, since they bickered with each other constantly about almost anything, but it was there, in the things that mattered. For instance, Castiel would often point out to Dean that something was a bad idea, and they would argue, but he never <em>actually</em> prevented Dean from executing said bad idea (even though sometimes Benny almost wished he would). It was the same with finding their way out of Purgatory: Cas would constantly remind Dean that it was pointless to take him with them, but he wouldn’t actually leave, because that would do more than simply annoy or upset Dean. It would <em>hurt</em> him.</p><p>The more he watched, the more Benny became fascinated by their little dynamic, and the more curious about the whole story. But Benny Lafitte was no idiot. Dean was the furthest thing he had ever met from a “sharer”, and Benny couldn't complain about it. He hadn’t disclosed any information about himself to neither of his Purgatory buddies in nearly four months. Castiel was not as repressed, but talking about the past seemed like a clear definition of upsetting Dean, so he never brought it up. Benny avoided pushing any of them with questions of any kind, just settled with his curiosity and this awkward killing machine dressed in a hospital gown and a dirty trench coat who, apparently, would tag along until they found their way out.  </p><p>“I think that was the last one”, said Cas, disposing of the body whose insides he had just vaporized. “At least from this group”.</p><p>“Why do they always come in groups?” Dean grumbled, while trying to pluck his blade out of a monster’s ribcage, and clearly having some trouble with it.</p><p>“The new ones do,” Benny stated. He was further up the hill, over the body of another vampire he had decapitated while the two of them were busy with their own monsters. “Makes them feel at home, I guess. But they eventually give up. The ones who have been here longer are usually lone wolfs.”</p><p>“Like you?” With on final, strong pull, Dean drew his blade out of the monster’s body and fell on his back as a result. Benny grinned at him.</p><p>“I was never much of a groupie” he answered, with a shrug. Castiel was already at Dean’s side, offering a hand to help him up.</p><p>“I think you are misusing the term ‘groupie’” Cas pointed out, in that flat tone of his. Dean was already rolling his eyes beside him before he could even finish speaking “It is usually applied to young people who seek emotional or sexual intimacy with famous musicians”.</p><p>Benny and Dean let off a long sigh at the same time. </p><p>“I’ve asked it once and I’ll ask it again” Benny pointed vaguely at the angel “That’s the crazy aunt we are taking on the road with us?”</p><p>Castiel shot him a murderous glance, so cold it could have made Benny feel actually nervous, if he hadn’t heard the dude explaining the meaning of the word “groupies” just a second ago.  That made him a lot less intimidating.</p><p>“And I told you” The angel replied, sounding as displeased now as he had the first time Benny made that comment “I have no possible relationship to your sibling’s offspring”</p><p>Benny simply raised an eyebrow, faking surprise.</p><p>“You don’t say”</p><p>“Ok, that’s enough!” Dean snapped, pushing Cas away from him – for God knows what reason the angel was still holding his arm after helping him up – and marching towards Benny “You two are like children!” Then he turned around and faced them both: “Actually, you are worse than children. Sam wasn’t this much of a pain in my ass when he was five!”</p><p>“Who’s Sam?” Benny didn’t mean anything by that question. It just slipped away, no second intentions or even real curiosity. Just an automatic response to a name he didn’t know. But he realized he had stroked a nerve as soon as he saw Dean’s face changing, his whole body tensed in a second. Benny was opening his mouth to change the subject or suggest that they kept moving when Cas spoke behind him:</p><p>“Sam is Dean’s younger brother” Benny was facing Dean, not Cas, so he saw the homicidal glace Dean directed at the angel.</p><p>“Cas!” He shouted, and as far as warnings go, this one seemed effective, for Castiel didn’t make other remarks. Benny raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t really curious before, but now he was intrigued.</p><p>“Delicate subject?” he asked, slightly amused.</p><p>“No” Dean answered, on a dry note, before turning his back on them and marching forward at a rapid pace.  “Are you two grandmas coming or what?” He screamed when he was already a great deal ahead of them.</p><p>Castiel stopped on the top of the hill by Benny’s side. His eyes were locked on Dean’s back, and he seemed worried. The vampire would always find himself uncomfortable while Castiel was looking at Dean like that, because it was like the rest of the world had simply ceased to exist. Benny felt as if he could drop dead – or more dead than he already was – and Castiel would not take his eyes off Dean.</p><p>“You said nothing wrong”, the angel said suddenly, surprising Benny. This was probably the first time Cas had talked to him without Dean present. He was still looking at the hunter, who was distancing himself from them quickly. They were both faster than him so catching up wouldn’t be a problem. “For Dean, Sam is always a delicate subject, even when everything is alright”.</p><p>“And things are not alright right now?”</p><p>“We don’t know” Cas answered, honestly, finally letting go of Dean and turning his eyes to face Benny. There was a sense of solemnity on him “And that’s part of the problem. Dean doesn’t like not knowing what’s going on with Sam.”</p><p>Benny whistled, admittedly surprised. He never would have pictured Dean as the overprotective-big-brother type. But then again, he had done nothing but look out for Benny and Cas since they started traveling together, so it was not so hard to picture. After he connected the dots, Dean suddenly made a lot more sense to him.</p><p>“I’m worried about him” Cas made that remark in the same plane, low voice he used most of the time, but Benny could read something in his eyes that wasn’t usually there, something disquieted. “I imagine this… worry, this fear over Sam’s well-being is never too far from his thoughts. Even while we’re fighting”. Castiel suddenly seemed to snap out of whatever it was that had him miles away and looked at Benny as if just realizing he was there. “Don’t ever tell him I said that”</p><p>“Oh, you have my world, brother” Benny had a feeling this was just the tip of some very, very big iceberg. “We better catch up to him then. Bastard’s going to get himself into some trouble without us”.</p><p>“He’s going to get himself into trouble with or without our presence”. Castiel sighed, tired as if this was a movie he had seen countless times before. “Let’s go. I’ll fly us to him”. Without any sort of warning, he put a hand on Benny’s shoulder and they disappeared into thin air. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Five months of purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The werewolves were coming from every direction. A pack of eight, as far as they knew. It would have been an easy group if Cas was with them, but he had sensed the presence of Leviathan and disappeared over an hour ago. The first two times he had done that, Dean had gone mad worrying about him. He tried convincing Benny to turn back and look for him, but the vampire simply shrugged and answered: “he will be back”. And Benny was right. About half an hour after vanishing, Cas had reappeared beside them. Apparently, he couldn’t track Dean because of the Enochian markings on his ribs, but he could track Benny.</p><p>Eventually, Dean understood Cas was careful not to put himself in actual danger. Once he sensed a Leviathan, he would fly away, slowly distancing himself from Dean and Benny and drawing the Leviathan – and most monsters who happened to be around – away from them. Cas assured Dean multiple times that he was faster than the Leviathan, and once he thought the distance between them was sufficient, he would fly back to Dean and Benny. They had been doing this for months now. The downside was that, without Cas to obliterate the monsters out of existence, Dean and Benny had to do the dirty work the old way.</p><p>Dean and Benny were back-to-back, in the center of a circle of hungry werewolves who seemed more organized than most of the monsters they had met so far. The group had a sense of strategy, coming at them like that, trapping the two of them like that. While the group got closer around them, Benny whistled an old southern lullaby. At first, Dean had been annoyed by this habit, but he eventually grew used to it and now he could say he even enjoyed it. For some reason, the melody helped him focused, kept him sharp during combat.</p><p>From the corner of his eye, he saw the first member of the group, a young man already with his claws out, preparing to make the first move. Without looking back, Dean gave Benny a small tap on the arm, to alert him about the boy. “Three o’clock”, he whispered. A tiny disruption to the whistling was enough to let the hunter know he saw it too. </p><p>Dean analyzed the rest of the group. Neither of them seemed ready to attack. Smart, he thought. They were probably sending the young train-reck first and, depending on how it turned out for him, would attack one at a time or all at once. He felt Benny shifting his weight behind him, which meant the vampire was ready to take on the first attacker, leaving Dean with the job of guarding his back against the rest of the group. The hunter followed Benny’s movement, as they had done a million times already, and positioned himself. The young werewolf they had their eyes on howled and attacked, and the rest happened inexplicably fast.</p><p>Benny took him down in a matter of seconds, but the rest of the pack didn’t wait until he was finished and advanced like animals in their direction. They struck two at a time, otherwise, they would end up getting in each other’s way. This allowed Dean to take them down, or at least push them away before the next one was on him. His goal was to keep them away from Benny while he finished his monster, and once he was done, they switched: Dean was focusing on killing his while Benny held off the others. This would have been harder four months ago, but most conflicts in purgatory were pretty similar, and Benny and Dean were starting to master the style. These monsters hadn’t had an actual prey in God knows how long, but the two of them? Intensive training 24/7. The trick, they learned, was synchrony and timing. If they moved together, leaving no blind spots or openings for the monster to attack, they could usually take on large groups quite easily. Usually.</p><p>As it turned out, this particular group was better prepared than their usual Purgatory monsters. Their attacks were well thought and synchronized, barely giving Dean and Benny time to get back on their feet before being struck again. One, in particular, an older woman, in her fifties, had fighting skills way above average. During the first minutes of combat, she remained mostly at the sidelines. At first, Dean imagined she was waiting for an opening, but he was wrong. She was studying them, their movements, and their fighting style. And when they had guttered three members of her pack and scared one off, she finally advanced against them. The three wolves who were still standing took a step back as soon as she moved.</p><p>She went for Dean first and aimed low. He was prepared to strike her but she passed under his blade and carved her claws straight onto his abdomen. The adrenaline prevented him from feeling it as bad as he would feel in a few minutes, but he could immediately tell the wound was very deep, and that he would be losing a ridiculous amount of blood as soon as the werewolf took her claws out. He aimed his blade at her back and struck as fast as he could, but she was fast and jumped back before the bone knife entered her body. He had left her with nothing more than a flesh wound.</p><p>Benny invested against her as soon as she was off Dean. Physically, Benny was more of a match to her than Dean had been, but he had been hurt by one of the wolves they took down and that was making him slower. Dean wanted to help, but the three others who had step back were now moving towards him. Meanwhile, he was losing blood. Lots of it. He had fought in worse conditions and knew he would be able to take down one, maybe two, but not three at the same time on his current condition. From the corner of his eye, he could see Benny struggling with the women. She was on top of him, pinning him to the ground. The vampire held her clawed hands on his own, trying to keep them away from his face. This was bad.</p><p>“<em>Cas</em>” Dean prayed while guttering the smallest of the three wolves around him. He could feel his mind starting to drift due to the blood loss and focused all of his energy on staying awake. “<em>We need you, man. We need you now</em>”.</p><p>He felt when his blade entered the second wolf’s torso, but it wasn’t deep enough to stop the monster from advancing against him, throwing him to the ground. Dean heard more than saw when he opened his mouth, showing him those very familiar fangs. “<em>Sorry Sam</em>”, he thought to himself. “<em>I really tried to come back this time</em>”.</p><p>He braced himself for getting his neck chopped off by the bite, but it never came. Instead, Dean saw a burning light through his closed eyelids and heard a very reassuring high-pitched sound. He smiled and let his head fall heavily onto the ground while Cas pulled the monster off him.  </p><p>“Took you long enough” Dean mouthed, faintly. He could feel himself on the edge of consciousness, about to pass out.</p><p>“Stay still” he could sense some urgency underneath Cas’s impassive tone. Then he heard the high-pitched sound again and felt the warmth flowing from the angel’s hand onto his body. With his free hand, Cas cradled Dean’s head, lifting it off the ground. Dean felt as his skin started to mend again and opened his eyes.  He was still slightly light-headed but was able to focus his eyes on Cas’s face, right above him, filled with anxiety. One of the angel’s hands was on his torso, resting on the place where the wound had been. The other hand still cuddled the hunter’s head, keeping it off the ground. Smiling, Dean let his head rest against Cas’s arm. He felt exhausted.</p><p>“Thanks, Cas”.</p><p>“I’m sorry I left you alone for so long”, the angel muttered, tightening his grip on Dean, as if holding him closer would prove that he was ok.</p><p>“Don’t worry”, Benny’s voice pulled Dean back to reality. He raised himself from the ground, pushing Cas’s hand away from his abdomen and sitting with his back straight in a single movement. Cas’s other hand, the one who had been holding up his head, slid down to his shoulder and remained there. The vampire approached them with a teasing smile on his face. “We got everything under control”</p><p>“You and I have very different understandings of ‘under control’”, Cas snapped at him. Benny simply shrugged.</p><p>“Well, they are dead, aren’t they?” Cas was not amused by that.</p><p>“This time” he hissed at Benny.</p><p>Dean finally took a moment to assay his surroundings. The wolf who was above him was now on the ground, lying on his back, with his eyes burned out. The female leader was also down, near the spot where she had Benny pinned to the ground. The vampire’s blade had gone through her jaw and exited her skull through one of her eyes. There was only one more new body nearby, with his face down, so Dean wasn’t sure it had been Benny or Cas who had taken him out. The third one had probably been smart enough to run away when the angel arrived. Dean took a deep breath and stood up, with some help from Cas.</p><p>“You should rest” the angel warned him, keeping a strong hold of his arm to keep him steady.</p><p>“I’m fine, Cas”</p><p>“You say that, but…”</p><p>“I said I’m fine, man” Dean cut him in a low, deep tone, which probably sounded angrier than he actually felt. He let out a tired sigh. “Let’s just… keep moving, ok? If there was a group this big here, there are probably more nearby. Especially now that you’re back with us.”</p><p>Cas looked at Benny for support, but the vampire could do nothing but shrug. He was also covered in body fluids and looked as exhausted as Dean felt, but he wasn’t about to argue with the hunter.</p><p>“The human’s got a point”.</p><p>Cas glanced furiously from one to the other, as if he was dealing with two stubborn children, but didn’t put up any resistance. “Fine” was all he said. Dean forced himself to smile.</p><p>“You know, once we get out of here, the first thing I’m doing is buying you guys a beer and…”</p><p>“I don’t drink” Benny and Cas answered simultaneously, which led to a moment of awkward silence, eventually broken by Castiel:</p><p>“Well, I actually <em>can</em> drink” the angel stated as if he had just remembered that fact. “It just doesn’t affect me”.</p><p>“Unless you drink the whole liquor store” Dean added.</p><p>“Yes, unless I drink the whole liquor store”.</p><p>“<em>You drank a liquor store</em>?” Benny was looking at them with a mixture of astonishment and amusement.</p><p>“In my defense, I had just realized God was no longer among us. Even though he had just resurrected me from the dead.”</p><p>“You…” Benny’s mouth remained slightly opened while he tried to process what he had just heard. Then, eventually, he gave up. “You know what? I don’t think I wanna know”</p><p>Dean patted him on the shoulder.</p><p>“Smart choice, buddy”.</p><p>For some reason, that whole conversation made Dean smile a bit. It was far from carefree laughter, but it was the closest to it he would get in Purgatory. He looked at Benny and then at Cas, who was still close to him, ready to grab him if he gave any signs of falling.  </p><p>“Well, I drink”, he finally said. “<em>A lot</em>. So you guys will just have to watch me while I do it and we’ll call that a celebration. What do you say?”</p><p>“I think you would be the only one having fun” grumbled Cas, and it was Benny’s turn to laugh. His was more of a cynical laughter, but laughter, nonetheless.</p><p>“I think I’ve been in here for so long I don’t even know what a celebration looks like anymore”</p><p>“That is something we can fix when we are out of here” Dean was definitely not feeling as optimistic as he was letting on, but the three of them, exhausted and covered in blood and dirt, made for such a depressing picture that he had to make an effort to cheer himself up. He used to do that for Sam when their father had been gone for longer than he should, or when Sam was injured or scared after a hunt. He did it for most of the year that preceded the hellhounds and his time in hell. If there was one thing Dean Winchester could do, it was to put on a smile when he didn’t feel like smiling at all. From the looks on his friend's faces, he was not being very convincing, but neither of them pointed that out. Instead, Benny mastered a very pleasant smile of his own and turned to Castiel:</p><p>“How <em>do</em> you celebrate, angel? I mean, besides drinking a liquor store” he asked. Cas was surprised by it but seemed to take the question under serious consideration.</p><p>“Sometimes he plays twister” Dean answered, even though Benny probably had no idea what twister was. Cas gave him a very displeased look.</p><p>“You are mocking me”</p><p>“A little bit, yeah”. Dean’s smile widened. Somehow, even during the worst possible situations, Cas could still make him smile. He threw his arm around the angel's shoulder. “Come on, man. We’ll think of a celebration for you as well. Benny’s will probably be robbing a blood bank.”</p><p>“You give me too little credit” the vampire snorted, as they started to move forward. “I’m a man of fine tastes”</p><p>“Ha!” Dean laughed, still with Cas pressed close to him. The warmth of his body was making him feel better, and Dean couldn’t tell if it was because Cas was using his grace on him or if it was simply because it was Cas.  “That’s something I won’t believe until I see it”</p><p>“Oh, you wait for it, brother” For some reason, Benny also seemed to be in a good mood all of a sudden. “We’ll have one hell of a good time once we’re out of here”</p><p>“Yeah, I bet you will…” Dean said as they marched forward. Truth is, they weren’t going to celebrate anything. He had talked about that with Benny on day one: once they were out, they would go their separate ways. He would go back to Sam and Benny would go back to God knows what. That was the deal. Besides, Purgatory was letting them go unchanged. He could sense it. You don’t go through what they were going through and emerge on the other side the same person you were before. In a dark corner of his mind, Dean knew there wasn’t going to be any kind of celebration. But he buried that thought deep and out of sight. Things were bad enough as they were without him worrying about the future.</p><p>Instead, he kept putting on smiles and talking about what they would do once they were out. And at that moment it was not that bad.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Six months of Purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>One of the things Castiel first realized he hated in Purgatory was the absence of the night. He knew there were many things to hate around there, such as the dirt, the never-stopping violence, the constant running around… but the truth was: those things didn’t bother him all that much. No. What really troubled him was the apparent nonexistence of time. Or at least of time measurements.</p>
<p>It was ironic that he seemed to care about that more than Dean or Benny since there was no day or night in heaven either. But he had been on Earth for a while now and had gotten used to it. To watch the sunrise and set. Watching light become darkness and wait for it to become light again. It was truly a wonderful thing, something could never imagine he would miss as much as he did in Purgatory.</p>
<p>Cas wanted to know if Benny had felt that way when he had first arrived there. The vampire had been there for decades, so Cas figured he was used to it by now. Of course, the angel’s main concern was Dean who didn’t seem bothered by it at all. Or at least he never said it out loud. Cas was aware that Dean never said <em>a lot</em> of things out loud. It was part of what made Dean “Dean”. But still, he was human, and he was alive in a place designed for dead souls. It would leave a scar, and Cas was painfully aware Dean already had his fair share of scares.</p>
<p>He was thinking about all that one day, while the three of them were resting after days of non-stop violence. They had found a stream and sat down by its riverside, washed their hands, faces, and weapons (which was pointless, given that they would be filthy again in a matter of hours). Dean even scooped his hands and drank from the stream, which was an empty action for he didn’t need food or water in Purgatory. Still, the look of pleasure on his face made it look as if he was drinking happiness itself.</p>
<p>“Man, this is good” he finally said, after three more scoops of water. “Didn’t know could miss <em>drinking water </em>this much”.</p>
<p>“That’s the thing about this place” Benny stuck his blade on the ground and sat by it. “It keeps you so busy you barely have any time to miss things”.</p>
<p>Cas looked at him for a second. That’s when he started thinking about missing the night, and a whole train of thought followed, leading to his worry about Dean’s mental health. He snapped out of it when he realized Dean was calling him from the riverside. </p>
<p>“Morning, sunshine” he laughed when Cas looked at him, puzzled. “Where was your head at, man?”</p>
<p>Cas thought about telling him where his head was really at but quickly gave up on it. Dean was already with a lot to worry about without troubling himself with the absence of day and night. So instead, Cas asked:</p>
<p>“Dean, what do you miss about Earth?” The hunter laughed, but then he realized he was laughing alone and stared back at Cas as if the angel had just told him unicorns were real.</p>
<p>“Wait, are you seriously asking me that?”</p>
<p>“Yes”. Cas replied, feeling a bit confused by Dean's reaction to his question. The hunter laughed again, bitterly, this time.</p>
<p>“Well, besides everything?” There was a fit of slight anger rising in his voice. Cas didn’t interrupt him. He wanted to see where this would go. “Besides not fighting for my life every single second of every single day? Besides food? Beer? Sex? Besides…” he swallowed, deeply. All the anger that was rising in his voice suddenly toning down into something more like sadness. “Besides Sam? Damn it, Cas. What <em>don’t </em>I miss?”</p>
<p>Cas sighed. He was used to Dean’s mood explosions on Earth. He thought they were somehow healthy. Dean buried all of his pain so deep inside him that those outlets were the only way to get him to say something about it.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry”, he finally answered, trying not to pick a fight. “It was a stupid question”.   </p>
<p>“Damn well it was” Dean grumbled, looking away from him. They fell into silence after that, each of them lost in his own thoughts. Benny, as usual, was the first one to break it.</p>
<p>“I miss the sea”, the vampire said. Dean and Cas raised their heads at the same time, both equally surprised. “I miss everything about it. The sound, the smell, the movement…”</p>
<p>Neither Dean nor Cas answered anything and first, and Benny didn’t look as though he was expecting an answer. He was looking up, eyes locked on the tree branches above them. In all the time they had spent together, Cas had never seen that look on his face. It was a sort of longing, a bit of sadness. It was a very human expression, one that Cas knew he was not able to reproduce.</p>
<p>He shifted his attention towards Dean and watched while his face changed, softened a little bit.</p>
<p>“I miss Baby”, he finally said. And there was nothing sarcastic or defensive about that. Benny lifted an eyebrow as if that had picked his interest.</p>
<p>“Girlfriend?” Then he glanced at Cas with a quick side look. There was something weirdly mischievous in his eyes. “Boyfriend?”</p>
<p>“It’s his car” Cas interjected before Dean could answer with whatever he was about to come up with as a comeback. Benny giggled.</p>
<p>“I talk about the sea and you talk about <em>your car</em>?”, it was a playful joke, not mockery, and Dean smiled back at the vampire.</p>
<p>“Hey, watch it!” he adverted. “Don’t you talk about her like that”.</p>
<p>Thinking about the car seemed to take Dean to a happy place of sorts, and his physiognomy relaxed a bit.</p>
<p>“It’s a 67 Chevrolet Impala”, he told Benny, smiling like a proud parent. “It was my father’s car. I learned how to drive in it, slept in the backseat more times than I can count…” He took a break as if he was picking his favorite memories, but it was too hard because of how many of them there were. Then he laughed “I thought Sam how to drive it too. He almost recked it a couple of times”. </p>
<p>He rose his body a bit in order to look straight to Cas.</p>
<p>“Did you know I practically rebuilt her from scratch?” He asked. Cas did not know that. Dean’s smile faded from his face, replaced by a much darker expression as he began to speak “About three years before we met, I guess. My father, Sam, and I… we were hit by a truck. The car was absolutely recked. Almost nothing left.”</p>
<p>Cas did the math. He knew enough to know about which crash Dean was talking about. It was the accident that led to John trading his soul for Dean’s life. Dean was not supposed to have survived that crashed. And neither was the car, Cas realized. And somehow, they were both still kicking.</p>
<p>“What you know of her? I rebuilt most of it”. Dean was smiling again, a fainter, more melancholic smile. “She’s all mine”. Then he turned to Benny. “You should listen to her, man. It is a miracle that the car’s still running, but Damn! I love the sound she makes.”</p>
<p>Cas could listen to it too. How many times had he sat at the Impala with Sam and Dean? Sometimes with just Dean… he remembered how at ease the hunter felt behind the wheel as if it was just an extension of his body. As if driving was as easy as walking or breathing.</p>
<p>Benny nodded, still looking up at the trees. “I’d like to meet her when we go back”, the vampire said. “Maybe you could drop me at a beach”.</p>
<p>Dean agreed with a small gesture of his head. Cas couldn’t tell if he seemed sadder or lighter after having talked about all that. Maybe a little bit of both. Dean gave Cas a crooked smile. He seemed to realize it was getting too deep and apparently decided not to go there, for when he spoke again, his voice was back to his usual, lighter tone.</p>
<p>“Of course, I do miss the food, beer, and sex as well”.</p>
<p>Cas held his gaze for a long time, waiting for Dean to look away, which he didn’t.</p>
<p>“And Sam”, he finally added. For a second he thought Dean would get angry at him again, but the hunter simply nodded in acceptance.</p>
<p>“And Sam…”</p>
<p>“I’m sure he is fine, Dean”, Cas offered. He wasn’t saying it simply to make Dean feel better. He knew Sam well enough to know that he <em>was</em> probably alright.  He was a very smart man, he wasn’t impulsive, like Dean. After Dean, Cas trusted Sam as he would never trust another soul.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you’re probably right” Dean agreed, turning his face back to the stream and shifting his weight to his arms, sitting in a more comfortable position. “Still, it would be nice to be sure”</p>
<p>Benny was watching them carefully but didn’t say anything. Neither of them said anything for a long time. They simply enjoyed the rare moment of silence, disturbed only by the mild sound of water running. When he had first arrived there, Castiel had no idea some parts of Purgatory could feel peaceful. It was not the purpose of this place, and that was one of the reasons he had decided to stay behind, do his penitence there. He didn’t deserve moments like that, not after everything he had done in Heaven and on Earth. He pushed the memories away before they could suffocate him again. When Dean had found him by the river, all those months ago, he made a promise to himself. He wouldn’t be consumed by his shame or his guilt, not yet. Dean was still there, he was still in danger. Cas would take him to the portal, make sure he could cross back to Earth. Only then he could be truly alone with his thoughts and pay for his crimes. But not yet.</p>
<p>Eventually, Benny rose from where he was sitting and said he would go for a walk, scout the area. He wouldn’t draw much attention to himself, so it was safer for him to go alone. If anything happened, he would pray for Castiel.</p>
<p>Cas figured he planned to run into other monsters and get some information about the whereabouts of the portal if he could. It was information they would hardly give him if he was accompanied by an angel and a human. He said if he wasn’t back in half an hour, they should go fetch him. Dean and Benny had no way of keeping track of time, but Cas could do it. He had been the one counting days and weeks and months since they had gotten there. He nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>Dean waited until Benny had disappeared behind the trees before turning back to Cas. They stared at each other for a long moment, while the Angel read the hunter’s expression, trying to figure out what he was about to say. But Dean was unreadable at the moment. Too many emotions mixed together, all hidden behind a cold, stoic face.</p>
<p>“I’m really glad you’re here, Cas” he finally said. Dean’s voice was sober, but his eyes were expressive. Cas sensed something that resembled relief. “I don’t think I say this enough”.</p>
<p>“Dean, you don’t need to…”</p>
<p>“No, man. I mean it” Dean cut him off. Voice harsh, eyes soft. “I’m glad to have Benny. I trust him, as strange as that sounds, and I wouldn’t be alive without him. But you?” Dean took a breath as if considering if he should say what was on his mind or not. “You feel like home, Cas”.</p>
<p>The angel didn’t answer. He was caught off guard by that. It was not the first time Dean had told him something like that. Cas had heard “<em>You’re like a brother to me</em>” before, or “<em>I rather have you. Cursed or not</em>”, or recently “<em>I need you</em>” when Dean found him by the river months ago.  Cas kept track of comments as simple as <em>“don’t ever change</em>”. Dean expressed affection like that. Never explicit. Never spelled out but in the smallest of things. And Cas was ok with that, he didn’t need anything else. But still, after all those years, these tokens of deep appreciation always surprised him. And this had been a big one. He thought Dean would mistake his silence for a sign to shut up, but instead, the hunter kept talking.</p>
<p>“I wasn’t joking. I miss almost everything about home. I miss the car, and I miss music, and movies, and beer, and food and God! I miss Sam. And I’m crazy worried about him”. There was so much pain in Dean’s voice, but he kept it down, buried deep inside his chest. And somehow, he found the ability to crack a tired smile. “But you are home too, man. The one piece of home that I do have here.”</p>
<p>Cas was left speechless for a moment, and eventually, Dean looked away. Cas thought he was embarrassed by what he had just said – Dean was usually uncomfortable after any show of vulnerability – but he wasn’t. He was peaceful as if he had taken something off his chest.</p>
<p>“I don’t deserve that” Cas finally said, after a long silence. “Not after everything I did”.</p>
<p>“Cut the crap, Cas” Dean said, abrasively. “I’ve told you that: you thought you were doing the right thing. Did you screw up? Big time. But which of us hasn’t?”</p>
<p>“It’s different…” Castiel wanted to change the subject. He had promised himself he wasn’t going to lay his burden on Dean, but at the same time, he knew he was unworthy of being anyone’s ‘home’. He had destroyed everything he ever associated with home, on Heaven, and Earth. The images of his dead brothers and sisters flashed through his mind, followed by Sam, in pieces after what Cas had done to him. So much pain… he pushed the memories away from his mind the best he could. “Your sins are nothing compared to mine.”</p>
<p>“Wow, we’re <em>not</em> going there” Dean warned, raising a hand as if to stop him from talking. “We can go through all the shit you pulled over the past year once we’re back, man. Tones of ways you can atone for your sins later. Hell, I’ll even send you to therapy if it helps. But right now?” Dean looked Cas in the eyes, very seriously. “Right now I <em>need</em> you here, with me. And I need you whole. I need your head in the game. So no self-pity parties until we’re safe and sound in a crappy motel anywhere far from here. Got it?</p>
<p>Cas swallowed. He was moved but couldn’t do anything besides nod. He did not deserve Dean’s trust or his affection.</p>
<p>The hunter was pleased that Cas decided not to argue with him anymore and dropped the serious tone.</p>
<p>“Anyway, you never said what you missed, Cas”, he pointed out. “Bees? Please don’t say bees”.</p>
<p>Cas sensed the corners of his mouth lifting against his will, forming a sad little smile. <em>I miss seeing you happy</em>, he thought to himself but didn’t say it out loud. Truth is, he could barely think of more than five or six occasions he had actually seen Dean truly happy. So instead the angel simply replied:</p>
<p>“The moon”. Then, after a few seconds, he added: “and bees. I really do miss bees”.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Seven months of Purgatory - Par 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As I've stated before, this fic doesn't have a well-structured plot. Instead, it was organized as several short stories depicting the time Dean, Cas, and Benny spent on Purgatory. However, the next three chapters will be direct sequences of one another, without a time skip. You could say they are slightly more plot-heavy than the rest of the story. <br/>Hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Benny saw Dean’s head hit the ground before it happened. He saw it as if things were moving in slow motion. The wraith sank its spike deep through Dean’s torso, impaling him and coming out through his back. Benny was fast, but the monster had come onto them in a large group this time. There were at least two dozen of them, among werewolves, vetalas, vampires, and the wraith. The wraith was the only one of its kind, and it had headed straight to Dean. Benny was dealing with two wolves and Castiel was handling the rest of the pack by himself. At some point over the past months, the monsters had begun to learn how to fight an angel. Cas could still manage to fight against all of them, finishing one by one without breaking a sweat, but it took longer now than it did four months before. The problem was that they were both too busy to help Dean with the wraith.</p><p>It was the first time they ever faced a group like this: a miscellany of creatures fighting together as a pack. That was not the way purgatory worked, which made Benny wonder what the hell was going on, though he didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on that question. They were vicious and out for their blood. Dean was the first one to engage in combat, decapitating one of the nearest vampires before Benny had even reached for his weapon. It had been almost uncomfortable to watch how easily his friend slew others like him. How easy it would be for Dean to do just the same thing to him if he ever decided that Benny wasn’t trustworthy anymore. He pushed away that though as best he could.</p><p>After that, he got too busy to bother himself with what was going on with Dean but caught eventual glimpses of the fight between the hunter and the wraith with his side vision. For most of the time, it looked as though Dean had the advantage. He was more skilled than the wraith, although not as agile, and had managed to hurt it in a few places, including a deep wound on the left side of its body. It looked as though the fight was already won, so Benny wasn’t expecting to hear the sound of flesh tearing as Dean let out a hollow sound, the air escaping his lungs. He didn’t scream, which was probably worse. Simply bent forward where the monster’s spike had pierced his body then fell back when it pulled it out.</p><p>Castiel noticed what was going on only half a second after Benny. “Dean!”, he screamed, freeing himself from his numerous opponents and appearing right behind the wraith. Dean had barely hit the ground and the creature's eyes were already glowing like two burning beacons of light.  Castiel disposed of Its body – eyes burned and mouth half opened in a scream of agony – and bent over Dean.</p><p>It all happened in the span of a few seconds, but it was enough for the monsters to regroup and attack them again. By this point, there were only seven of them still standing. The rest had either been killed by Benny, burned by Castiel, or fled after experiencing first-hand what it really meant to fight an angel.  </p><p>“I can’t hold them by myself” Benny called, trying to sound as calm as he possibly could.</p><p>“I just need to heal him!” Castiel answered. His hands were already glowing over Dean’s wound.</p><p>Benny opened his mouth to tell him there was no time but he was thrown violently on the ground by something. He could barely get a grip of his blade when he felt as if a chunk of his arm was being chopped off. And it turned out it was, by a young werewolf who had his teeth out, holding onto a large piece of flesh that he assumed was skin and muscle ripped from his left arm. Benny showed him his own fangs but was quickly held down by two other attackers, who held him down by the shoulders. He tried desperately to break free, but their grip was too tight and the werewolf ho had bitten him was still on top of him as well.     </p><p> “You see, Benjamin” a familiar voice came from above him, but being held down as he was Benny couldn’t look at who was talking. Although he didn’t need to look. He knew exactly who it was. “This is what you get from turning on your kind”. The owner of the voice finally appeared in his field of vision, kneeling beside Benny’s head and locking her eyes on his “Your kind will eventually turn on you too”.</p><p>“Since when do you consider the mutts ‘your kind’, Julietta?” He tried his best to sound calm and sarcastic while searching desperately for Cas and Dean. Where were they? “No offense, brother”, he added to the werewolf on top of him, who had finally spitted the piece of his flesh that he had held his mouth until then.</p><p>“We don’t enjoy being teamed up with you bloodsuckers either”  the werewolf muttered, sounding almost offended “but at least we’re all dead, unlike your little human friend over there”. He grinned, turning his head to where Dean and Cas had been. “Well, maybe he’ll be joining us shor…”</p><p>Benny had to divert his gaze because before the werewolf could finish talking, his eyes busted into light and he let out a scream of agony. The two creatures that held Benny down let go of him instantly and stepped back while Castiel pulled the wolf by the head, throwing him far away from the fallen vampire. “Who’s next?” He asked, in a deeper, colder voice than Benny had ever heard him use.</p><p>The monsters who were still standing fled quickly after that. All except for Julietta. She was standing a few feet away from them, at what seemed like a safe distance (although there was probably no such thing when it came to Castiel), and was watching them closely.</p><p>“So you’re Castiel”, she said. Her accent was still the same in death as it had been in life: soft and sensual, each word uttered slowly as if she tasted each one while speaking. Her eyes were not nearly as pleasant.  They were hard, cold, and bloodthirsty, unable to transmit any emotion other than hate. “Heard a lot about you”</p><p>“Wish I could say the same” the angel retorted, in the same flat tone he had used before. Julietta smiled and glanced at Benny.</p><p>“You haven’t told your friends about me, Benjamin?” She frowned, as an unhappy child would “how cruel of you”.</p><p>“Well, I figured I’m probably not your favorite person at the moment, Jully” He gasped. Now that the fighting had stopped, he was finally starting to feel his wound. And it was hurting like hell. “So I’m sorry if I wasn’t exactly in a rush to see you”.</p><p>Castiel was clearly not in the mood for conversation. He took a step forward and Julietta took a step back in response. She was not afraid, but she was not careless either.</p><p>“There will be more, you know?” She told the angel “More groups, more attacks. Leviathan don’t really like us, but they hate you a lot more”.</p><p>“Leviathan are sending monsters after us?” Cas frowned. He held an offensive position but didn’t move towards her. A sign he wouldn’t attack if started talking.</p><p>“Oh, they don’t have to <em>send </em>us.” She allowed herself a brief smile. “They rule this place. If they are happy our life here is easy. Or well, easier”. She glances at Benny. “But if they are unhappy…”</p><p>“The whole place feels it” he finished her sentence. Somehow, he had always known that even though no one had ever stated it out loud.</p><p>“And you make them very, very unhappy” Julietta concluded, looking directly at Cas.  “And your friends’ presence? It feels… wrong. We would be interested in him no matter what the Leviathan…”</p><p>“You look in his direction and I’ll have you on the ground before you can move a muscle”, Cas warned her. Benny had never seen him like this: fully angelic, terrifying, merciless. One could almost forget he was dressed in a hospital gown and a wrecked trench coat. Julietta could feel it too, and stepped further away from the angel, taking care not to look at where Dean laid on the ground. Why hadn’t he stood up yet? Castiel had probably healed him before helping him.</p><p>“Then you better not leave his side” she whispered. It sounded like a threat, even though her voice was low and she was clearly frightened by the angel before her. Castiel didn’t answer, but his eyes were so visceral. He was clearly restraining himself not to snap her neck where she stood. She disappeared into the woods before he could change his mind.</p><p>Castiel didn’t move for a moment, as if making sure things had calmed down. Then he turned back and kneeled beside Benny, taking his wounded arm in his hands with surprising tenderness. There was a lot more blood in his clothes and on the ground than Benny had first realized, but the pain went away as soon as Castiel’s hands started glowing above the injury. In it was good as new in less than five seconds. The vampire stretched his fingers and twisted his forearm, making sure everything was in order.</p><p>“Who was she?” There was no judgment in his voice, only the concern of a man who wanted to know who he was dealing with. All those were knowing sides of Castiel.  Dean had told him Castiel was a soldier, but he hadn’t seen it, not really, until now.</p><p>“One does not spend decades in this place without making a few friends along the way”.</p><p>“You call that a friend?”</p><p>“In case you’ve forgotten, this is purgatory, brother” Benny stood up “can’t exactly be picky”. </p><p>“Is she going to be a problem?” Cas asked already marching towards Dean, who laid very still where the angel had left him.</p><p>“I don’t think so. She is a survivor. Well, not really, since we’re all dead here, but she’s smart” He observer while Cas kneeled again beside Dean to check his pulse. “She came after us because she wanted to survive the Leviathan. She will stay away from us because she wants to survive you”.</p><p>“Good”. Cas was no longer paying him any attention. Benny walked towards him, stopping close enough to study Dean’s state more clearly. The wound on his torso was closed and he was breathing peacefully, with Castiel holding his head slightly above the ground.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“I put him to sleep” the question snapped him out of whatever distant mental place he was at, and Castiel gently laid Dean’s head back to the ground. “The wound is closed, but his mind is still a mess.”</p><p>Insanity Inducement. Benny had never been attacked by a wraith, but he had heard about it. They could make people emotionally unstable and produce hallucinations.</p><p>“Shouldn’t the venom wear off when you put them down?” Benny looked at the disposed body of the wraith nearby. The rotted face contorted into an expression of pain, eyes burned from the inside out. That thing was definitely dead.</p><p>“On earth, yes” Cas answered. His whole posture had changed. There was no trace of the soldier, only concern now. “But technically speaking, this wraith is already dead, so the rules are not the same. Under normal circumstances I should be able to fix the damage but…”</p><p>He didn’t have to finish that sentence. Benny knew it, even though neither Cas nor Dean had ever said it out loud. The angel was not at full power. He could fly and heal, but there was something off. Benny hadn’t seen what full power Castiel looked like, but from the glimpse he had just witnessed, he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to.</p><p>“The effect of the poison seems quite strong, maybe because he was run through by the wraith or because this is purgatory. I’m not sure. But I thought it would be safer to keep him asleep for now.</p><p>Benny nodded. Dean sure had his load of trauma, which meant there was no way of predicting what tricks his mind would play on him. Castiel was probably right by putting him to sleep.</p><p>“So what? We wait?”</p><p>“Yes”, the angel answered, standing up. His eyes stayed locked on Dean, full of concern and apprehension. “We wait”.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm really sorry it took me so long to update the story. I try to write anytime I can, but I've been in a hurry for the past few weeks, and finding free time has been a challenge. I hope I'll be able to keep the rhythm from now on.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Seven months of Purgatory - Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean dozed back and forth between conscious and unconscious. He remembered hearing Benny and Cas’s voice, seeing Cas sitting by his side, protective, then diving deep into the darkness again.</p><p>In the dark, there were no dreams, or not what you would usually call a dream. He could hear voices, familiar voices, although he could not decipher the meaning of the words. It was as if he was underwater, and people kept calling to him. Benny and Cas from the light, something else from the darkness. And sometimes the voices materialized.</p><p>In the dark, he saw Sam, as a child, crying because he had fallen from the roof and broken his arm. Dean was nine at the time, and Jon had been away on a hunt. Dean drove Sam to the ER on the handlebars of his bike. He had always looked back on that incident as a soft memory (or softer when compared to other parts of his childhood), but now he felt himself drowning in panic, the panic he had felt when Sam started crying and there was no one around he could call. Sam was so small and his arm was swallowing fast. No, in this dark dream, there was nothing soft about that memory. Dean could hear Sam’s childish screams of pain, but they sounded worse, so much worse than they had back then. And they filled him with terror.  </p><p>“<em>You should have been watching him”. </em>It was Jon’s voice, but Dean couldn’t see him. It sounded low and angry and it made him feel terribly small.</p><p>“<em>I’m sorry, sir” </em>He answered. In the dream, he sounded like he did when he was twelve. Voice still soft and unchanged. Trembling.</p><p>“<em>You’re his big brother, Dean, it’s your job to protect him” </em></p><p><em>“I know, sir. I’m sorry.” </em>It was a low roof, Dean told himself. It was so close to the ground, he never thought Sam would get hurt. He had just jumped from it himself. <em>We were children, </em>he wanted to say<em>. Children do those kinds of stupid things. </em>But his father wouldn’t care. It didn’t matter. Because Sam got hurt and Dean should have been paying more attention.  </p><p><em>“I’m sorry”</em>, he said, again, but Jon didn’t answer. Dean was alone in the dark again.</p><p>The voices and visions became less clear after that. Cas’s voice caught his attention more than once. First, he thought it was because it was coming from the outside, from the light. But it was also coming from the darkness. And it sounded… different.</p><p><em>Not Cas, </em>he realized. <em>Leviathan. </em>The voice was Cas’s body (or Jimmy Novack’s) when he had been possessed by the Leviathan. It sounded bitter and full of hate. Dean pushed that voice away as best he could because he was terrified of the image that would come along with it: Cas dripping black goo. Cas walking into the lake. Cas dead at his feet after sending the souls back to purgatory. He couldn’t face any of that right now. He sunk into darkness again.</p><p>With no warning, his eyes snapped open and he found himself facing Castiel, whose face was <em>extremely</em> close to his. Cas had two fingers gently pressed against Dean’s forehead and was regarding him with a concerned look. His deep, blue eyes seemed to be piercing their way through his soul, making Dean feel vulnerable, exposed. It was a feeling he hated when caused by anyone else, but he didn’t really mind it when it was caused by Cas.</p><p>“What happened?” He asked, still a little dizzy. He tried to sit down but felt his head spin a little.</p><p>“Wow, easy there, brother” Benny appeared by his side, supporting his weight and preventing a fall. “You just woke up from angel coma”.</p><p>Dean felt suddenly very awake.</p><p>“<em>What</em>?” He snapped at Cas and was surprised when the angel lowered his eyes, looking almost guilty.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, he said. Dean waited for more, but Cas remained silent. He turned to Benny, looking for answers, but the vampire simply shrugged.</p><p>“Do you remember what happened?” Cas asked. “Before I put you to sleep?”</p><p>“Yeah, the monsters came and a wraith…” the memory flashed before his eyes and Dean lowered his hand to his stomach, to the place where the sharp bone had pierced him. He felt it going in all over again and shook his head violently, trying to push away the feeling. He felt nausea, which was weird given the absurdly high number of times he had been stabbed or otherwise pierced with sharp objects. This felt different, though.  </p><p>“Angel healed you pretty quickly, don’t worry” Benny explained.</p><p>“Yeah, I kind of guessed that part” Dean retorted. “But why… oh” He raised his eyes to Cas and then to Benny. “I didn’t go crazy again, did I?”</p><p>“I didn’t give you enough time to” Cas answered. He sounded relieved, and Dean realizes the angel expected him to wake in a worse condition than he did.</p><p>“Wait, did you say <em>again?”</em> Benny let out a sarcastic laugh. “You boys really did have an interesting life, didn’t you?”</p><p>Dean glanced at him but figured the comment didn’t deserve an answer. The fear of being ‘wraith crazy’ again didn’t put him in the best of moods.</p><p>“How are you feeling, Dean?” Cas asked, taking Dean’s face between his hands and pulling him closer to examine his eyes. Dean felt the proximity with his whole body. The warmth of Cas’s hands, the intensity of his eyes, the inexplicable smell of honey that seemed to travel with him no matter how bloody and dirty he was. He nervously pushed Cas away.</p><p>“I’m fine, Cas, don’t worry”.</p><p>“There are still traces of venom in your system”, the angel said, a bit worried. “It’s fading and it’s much weaker than it was a couple of hours ago, but it’s still there”.</p><p>“Can’t you make it disappear?” Dean asked, trying not to sound as desperate as he actually felt. He knew where that feeling was coming from: wraith’s venom will heighten your emotions. Nervousness becomes hysteria, anxiety becomes despair, fear becomes terror. He had to pace himself.</p><p>“No, I can’t. And as I was telling Benjamin…”</p><p>“Benny” the vampire corrected him. Cas rolled his eyes and continued as if he had not been interrupted.</p><p>“…the venom works differently here. Not only it won’t disappear after the wraith’s death – since it was already dead, to begin with – but time also passes differently here. So there’s no way to predict exactly when it will live your system. The good news is that your body is alive, and it functions as a living body.”</p><p>“Except for the need for sleep or food….”</p><p>“The point” Castiel interrupted him, apparently not very amused by Dean’s attempt at lightening the mood “is that your organism is functioning, moving, and the venom is slowly dissolving as a result. You will be totally clear of it eventually.”</p><p>“You just don’t know exactly <em>when”.</em> Dean finished the sentence. Cas didn’t say anything, which was answer enough. “Awesome”, he growled, thinking about the dark, the voices, and the visions. “That’s <em>freaking awesome. </em> </p><p>“I wish I could let you sleep until you’re free from it, but we have to keep moving,” Cas said. His hand was on Dean’s shoulder again, holding him tight. Benny was also close by as if making sure he wouldn’t fall back. For some reason, that helped. He felt anchored, protected.</p><p>Dean nodded and stood up. He felt physically fine, which was a good sign. He stretched his arms and rolled his neck, making sure everything was in order and forced a smile for Cas and Benny. He could still hear the echoes: Sam’s cry, Jon’s voice, Cas possessed… <em>“Not real”</em>, he told himself. <em>“Keep it together”. </em>He suddenly realized he wanted Cas’s hand against him again, keeping him steady. But of course, he wouldn’t ask for that. Instead, he simply said, “Shall we?” and started walking again. Dean could feel the worried gazes of Cas and Benny on his back but didn’t turn to face them. They soon begin to walk after him. It would be ok, he assured himself.</p><p>“<em>No, it won’t”, </em>whispered a girl’s voice. “<em>With you? Things never turn out ok”. </em></p><p>Dean closed his eyes and tightened his fists, digging his nails through the palm of his hand and focusing on the feeling. That was real. The voice wasn’t. <em>“Jo isn’t here”,</em> he told himself. <em>“She has been dead for three years. <strong>She is not here</strong>.”</em></p><p><em>“And who do I have to thank for that?” </em>Jo asked. It was as if she was standing right behind him, so Dean didn’t turn back. He was afraid if he did, he would actually see her. And he couldn’t take that. She didn’t say anything else.  </p><p>They walked at a slower pace than usual. The forest around them seemed restless, noisy. Dean could feel it breathing on his neck. Eventually, Cas and Benny started walking closer to him. They didn’t say anything, nor did they have to. They simply positioned themselves one on each side of Dean, close enough so that he could feel their presence. He didn’t know how they could feel it, feel that he needed them there, but they did. And he was grateful.</p><p>“If you see anything”, Cas said, coming closer, “tell me, and I’ll tell you if it’s real or not”.</p><p>“And how should I know that you’re real?” In Dean’s head, it was formulated as a joke, but the thought terrified him when it was spoken out loud. What if Cas, this Cas right in front of him, wasn’t real, then what would he do? He felt that he suddenly couldn’t breathe.</p><p>“Hey!” Cas’s hands were on his back again. Heavy, firm, and very, very real. Or at least they seemed real. More real than Jo’s voice or Sam’s screams. “I’m here. I’m real. Can you feel it?”</p><p>Dean raised his eyes at Cas and met his gaze. His ridiculously deep blue eyes. He leaned his hand on Cas’s arm, feeling the fabric of the trench coat. It was familiar, even if it was tattered by now. Dean sighed, relieved, and opened his mouth to tell Cas that he was ok, but the angel’s face had changed. It was disfigured, cracked, as he was about to burst. Through the cracks there was the black goo, spilling like thick blood. And Cas was smiling. A horrible, crooked smile. Leviathan smile. Dean tried pushing him away and stepping back, but Cas was holding him tight and wouldn’t let go.</p><p>“Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real!” Cas told him. Dean closed his eyes and pressed them with his hands. He <em>knew </em>it wasn’t real. </p><p>When he opened his eyes again, Cas was back to normal. He was even closer than before and now held Dean with both hands, keeping him steady in his place. Benny was behind the angel, looking anxiously at the hunter.</p><p>“Fine” Dean manage to say, taking a deep breath and pulling himself together. “I’m fine, relax. Not about to go all Jack Torrance on you guys.” From the looks on their faces, he figured neither of them had understood the reference, which felt like an absolute waste, so Dean simply rolled his eyes and pointed to the road ahead “Let’s just keep moving”.</p><p>Neither Benny nor Cas said anything, but afterward, but they walked even closer to him than before. Which was good. Eventually, Benny started whistling ‘<em>I’m leaving on a jet plane’. </em>Cas cocked his head, confused by the melody for some reason, which made him look a bit like a puppy. A small smile escaped Dean because Cas had no right looking like <em>that</em> in Purgatory. No one should look <em>that </em>adorable in Purgatory.</p><p>That thought caught him off-guard. “<em>Venom</em>”, he reminded himself. “<em>Wraith venom. You are not thinking straight right now, dude”. </em>He immediately regretted his own choice of words.</p><p>As they moved through the woods, the visions continued. Some were very faint and easily detectable as hallucinations. His mom on a white gown was easy to shake off. Jon staring down at him with yellow eyes and a sadistic smile was harder.</p><p>“<em>He gave his life for yours”, </em>Azazel told him<em>, </em>in Jon’s voice. <em>“And how do you repay him? By being the mediocre bastard he always knew you were. That’s why he was so angry when Sam left for college. You know that, right? The competent one was running away and he got stuck with the dumb one”</em></p><p>Every time a vision was just too much, Cas’s hand fell to his shoulder, anchoring him to reality. Sometimes the effect of the venom would push him to the edge of a panic attack. He felt claustrophobic, terrified, and small. In those moments, Cas’s hand would go up from his shoulder to the exposed skin on his neck. The angel would let his palm rest there, skin against skin, warmth against warmth, until Dean’s breathing was even again. Dean didn’t know if Cass was doing something when he touched him like that – some sort of healing or another use of his angelic mojo to calm the hunter down – or if it was simply the effect of the weight of Castiel’s hand against Dean’s skin. It calmed him, ensure him. And Dean didn’t want him to let go. He didn’t know how the angel knew what he needed, but Cas did. Eventually, he just let his hand lay there while they walked. Benny didn’t say a word about it. He just kept on whistling nice, easy tunes. That also helped a lot.</p><p>“Don’t disappear”, Dean whispered to Cas. They had just heard a sound coming from the woods around them, dangerously close. Cas had let go of Dean and assumed a fighting position almost instantly, and Dean knew that was usually followed by him flying away, disappearing to handle the threat before it reached Dean and Benny. Not this time. “Please, if something shows up, we’ll handle it. Just…” he felt vulnerable asking something like that, but they were in purgatory, and his head was spinning, and he had just seen Bobby with his skull pierced by a bullet staring at him a minute ago. “Just stay here, ok?”</p><p>Benny and Cas exchanged a quick glance. They probably thought Dean wouldn’t see it, but he did. It was a concerned look. He felt guilty about worrying them. They had enough on their plates without having to concern themselves with babysitting him while he acted like a little boy who was afraid of the dark.</p><p>Before Dean could say anything, Cas turned to him and placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. The exact spot where he had left a mark on Dean’s skin all those years ago when he pulled him from hell. Dean couldn’t feel the scar anymore, but it was still there. He wondered if Cas knew that, and if he did if he had placed his hand there on purpose or not.</p><p>“Don’t worry”, he told Dean. His voice was low, calming, and reassuring. “I’m not going anywhere”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seven Months of Purgatory - Part 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Castiel had first told him the effects the venom could have over Dean, while they waited for him to wake up from the “angel coma”, Benny thought he was prepared to handle the situation. He wasn’t. </p><p>He knew Dean would hallucinate, that his emotions would be heightened and out of control, but seeing his partner, usually calm and in control, absolutely terrified like that had been harder than he would like to admit. Benny had glimpsed into Dean’s troubled past. He knew there was trauma, there was a pain. Hell, he knew there was probably more of those than anyone should ever carry. But he had never seen Dean like that: scared, vulnerable, dependent. It felt wrong like it was an exposed part of him the vampire wasn’t supposed to see. Out of respect, he tried to avert his eyes as best as he could. </p><p>Castiel was worried as well, but less uncomfortable about the whole thing. Benny realized it was not new to him. Unusual, maybe, but not new. He kept his hand on Dean the whole time, and Benny could listen to the human’s heartbeat slowing down in response to the touch. There was a sense of intimacy there he could not entirely grasp. He knew they were close. And before they had found Cas, he had even imagined they were way <em>closer</em> than Dean claimed. The rage in the hunter’s voice, while they searched for the angel, gave that impression. He still had his suspicions but wouldn’t look too deep into it. It was their story, and he was not a part of it. Although he couldn’t deny this dynamic made him curious. It was deeper than simple familiarity or intimacy. The way Cas’s presence relaxed Dean felt almost unnatural as if their bond had somehow been forged by something deeper than cohabitation. Benny almost felt jealous. Almost. </p><p>After an hour or so, Dean seemed a bit better, more like himself. Cas tried removing his hand briefly and Dean didn’t seem to bother. He noticed it, but his heartbeat didn’t raise. Cas took it as a sign that he was ready to move by himself, and Dean slowly took the lead, leaving Cas and Benny a few steps behind. He seemed as if he needed space to breathe, so neither Benny nor Cas tried to catch up to him. But they remained close and watchful. </p><p>“Do you think it will take much longer for him to be clean?”, Benny whispered to the angel. He spoke in such a low voice someone five feet away would have tumble hearing, but Castiel would have heard it from a mile away. The angel answered in an equally low whisper. It wasn’t a conversation meant for human ears. </p><p>“Another hour? Maybe two until he is completely back to normal”. He seemed quite sure about that. “But I don’t think he will be seeing things again. It’s the emotional part that worries me. Dean suppresses everything.”</p><p>“And I when he can’t suppress anymore…”</p><p>“He explodes” Cas finished the sentence with an agreeing nod. That didn’t surprise Benny in the slightest. “It’s not pretty”</p><p>“I bet it isn't”.</p><p>They fell into a comfortable silence after that. Benny couldn’t precisely tell when he had started to feel this comfortable in the presence of Castiel. It was a recent thing. The angel used to have a very disquieting effect on him, but eventually, he started seeing it as a warm presence, instead of an aggressive one. </p><p>“Do you want to tell me about her?” Castiel eventually asked, breaking the silence. It was an honest question, no hidden agendas, no judgment or worry.</p><p>“Who? Julietta?” Benny was struck by the question, but Cas simply nodded. </p><p>“You don’t have to” he added, his voice flat and emotionless as usual, “but after a few years with Sam and Dean I discovered that it sometimes it helps. Talking”.</p><p>“Not really a talker, angel”</p><p>“I’m used to that”, Cas raised his deep blue eyes to meet Benny’s. The vampire felt uncomfortably seen. “But I know humans benefit from it. Especially the ones who don’t do it often”.</p><p>“Not human, Cassy”</p><p>“No” Cas agreed. He wasn’t angry or annoyed in the slightest. “But you were once. I assume the same principle still applies”. </p><p>Benny glanced at the angel, amazed by what he was hearing. That ragged, bearded, strange man who talked like a crazy person and wore a worn-out trench coat <em>over a hospital gown</em> was therapizing him. He couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Castiel cocked his head, looking confused. </p><p>“There’s nothing to talk about. Not really”, Benny reassured him, because it was mostly true. “I’ve been here for ages. Sometimes is easier to be alone and sometimes is easier to be with someone else.”</p><p>“Julietta was someone else?” Cas inquired. Benny nodded. </p><p>“She was a natural leader. Didn’t matter when, she always had something under her command. I think she hasn’t been alone in here for decades”</p><p>“Was she your friend?”</p><p>“You can never be too friendly with your boss” Benny grimed, thinking back on his time under Julietta. “I met her before… well, before we were both dead, actually. She was sired by the same vampire as me”. </p><p>“So she was a member of your nest?” Benny shrugged. His hadn’t been exactly a typical nest. More pirate gang than anything else. </p><p>“She didn’t like being a member of someone else’s nest” he admitted. He and Julietta had barely overlapped. The Old Man had her killed only a few weeks after Benny was turned. But she had made quite an impression. “I recognized her as soon as I saw her in here, but she didn’t recognize me. Not at first. She remembered me eventually, or simply took my word for it when I told her who I was. I’ll never know”. </p><p>“I’m guessing neither of you had pleasant memories of your maker.”</p><p>“What gave it away?” Benny gave him his best half crooked smile, but it came out bitter. </p><p>“It’s easier to bond over a common enemy” Castiel shrugged and looked away. </p><p>“That what happened to you and Dean?” Benny didn’t mean to make that question. It simply came out. For a second he thought Cas wouldn’t answer, but the angel simply went quiet for a second, as if he was considering his answer carefully. </p><p>“Maybe…” Cas looked lost in thought. “Maybe at first. We were both mistaken about who the enemy actually was, but you could say it started like that. Then the enemy changed and we chose to change with it, rebel together. Or he rebelled and I followed. That would be more accurate.” Benny could almost see a smile forming on Castiel’s lips, but it never showed up. It remained the idea of a smile that never surfaced. “Then I became the enemy”. </p><p>“I find that hard to believe”. Actually, Benny didn’t find it <em>that</em> hard to believe. One look at the mess that was Castiel and anyone could figure out he had made mistakes in his life. He looked constantly tired, the kind of tired that only shows after caring a heavy amount of guilt for too long. But Dean didn’t seem to regard Cas as an enemy, so it couldn’t have been that bad. </p><p>Cas didn’t answer. That was the line, Benny discovered. The line he couldn’t cross. Not yet. Whatever Cas’s past crimes had been, neither he nor Dean were willing to confront that, much less share it. Not with each other and not with Benny. </p><p>“He forgave you”, Benny said. Cas raised his eyes again, and it was his turn to look struck by something the vampire had said. “I have no idea what happened, but I know he forgave you”. </p><p>Cas looked utterly out of words. This level of confusion, of doubt, made him look so human. It was almost endearing. </p><p>“Thank you”, he finally managed to say. “I don’t deserve it. Not from him and not from anyone”. He glanced at Dean with grieving eyes “But thank you for saying it.”</p><p>Benny opened his mouth to answer, but before he could say anything, Castiel’s expression changed, going from soft to alert in a second. He assumed a defensive position and drew his silver blade from his sleeve. Benny hadn’t heard a thing, but he knew that look. He had seen it more times than he would have wished for over the last few months. Leviathan.</p><p>“How close are they?”, he asked. Cas didn’t turn to him. His eyes were locked in the woods, his whole body tensed. He looked a bit like a predator when he was like this.</p><p>“Too close”. The angel glanced at Dean, who had turned back and was looking at them, puzzled. Cas sighed. Benny could see he was debating with himself whether or not he should leave. And the voice telling him that he should was winning. He exchanged an anxious look with Benny.</p><p>“Can you handle him?” the angel asked. One look to Dean was enough to tell Benny that he probably couldn’t. The hunter’s heartbeat, which had remained steady for a while now, was beginning to race again. Dean was trying to keep himself under control, but the vampire could see how hard that was right now.</p><p>“Yeah”, Benny lied, hoping it would sound convincing enough. “Of course I can”.  </p><p>Whether or not Castiel believed him, it was enough for the angel to make up his mind. He took one last, long look at Dean and told him he would be back soon. It was a promise, made to calm him down, reassure him. Dean didn’t answer and Castiel disappeared.</p><p>Benny immediately turned to Dean and held his gaze. He seemed ok at first, but the vampire could sense his anxiety growing. It was as if he was trying to hold back a panic attack. His face remained unchanged, which meant Dean still had a good amount of self-control.</p><p>“He’s coming back”, Benny told him, in the most soothing voice he could find “you know your little boy angel. Doesn’t seemed to be able to stay away for long”</p><p>“Drop the chick-flick attitude, Benny. I’m not a child”, Dean moaned, rolling his eyes and angrily turning his back on the vampire. “You coming or what?”</p><p><em>Supress, suppress, suppress…. </em>Benny sighed and followed Dean closely. He picked up a tune (take me home, country roads) and started whistling. Dean didn’t seem to mind. He was calm at first, focused on the trail ahead of them, blade at hand and heartbeat under control. It took about fifteen whole minutes for him to begin showing signs of uneasiness again. He got more and more restless as they went on, frenetically searching the woods around them, eyes jumping from one point to the other and back again. His hand tightened so much around the handle of his knife that Benny was sure he was impairing the blood circulation on his knuckles. If tense muscles could make a sound, Dean’s would be screaming right now.</p><p>“You seeing anything?” Benny tried not to offend Dean with that question, making sure to come out as relaxed and unconcerned as possible.</p><p>“No”, Dean grunted. With the amount of rage packed in Dean's voice, Benny considered himself lucky all he got was a murderous look and not a knife on his neck. He seriously considered shutting up and letting Dean cool off by himself, but Castiel’s words resonated in his head: ‘<em>sometimes it helps. Talking’. </em>Damn angel!</p><p>“He’s been gone for just a few minutes, Dean” Benny was going on a hunch here, talking about Cas, but judging by Dean’s expression, he was right on point. The hunter’s face was like that of a child who had just been caught stealing candy before dinner. Then his expression changed as if a new thought had just crossed his mind, and it turned into something much darker. Benny continued before it could trail off somewhere even worse “He usually stays away longer than that. He will be back, Dean, he always comes back”</p><p>“No, he doesn’t” Dean cut him off, and Benny was surprised by how raw his answer had been. Dean's voice was rising as he began talking faster, almost tripping in his own words. “Sometimes he gets ripped apart. Sometimes he stops breathing. And sometimes he walks straight into a lake, covered in goo and <em>doesn’t come back”. </em></p><p>Benny didn’t immediately say anything. This was bottled up somewhere inside Dean for a while now, he could feel it. Under normal circumstances, Dean would never address it, but it had been there from the start. In the desperation, while searching for Castiel during their first months in purgatory, in his relief when they found him by the river, in his hidden anxiety every time Cas disappeared in order to keep the Leviathan away. It was like an open wound that was in the process of healing, but that kept being reopened every time Cas went away.</p><p>“He’s not going to disappear, Dean. He’ll be back, just like he always does” Benny tried getting closer, but Dean flinched when the vampire tried to touch him. Fucking venom! “He promised you he would, didn’t he?”</p><p>Dean was clearly trying to fight his own nervousness. He was a smart guy who had gone through that before. He probably knew that what he was experiencing were the effects of the venom and was probably fighting hard to push them down. Still, Benny was aware that <em>­knowing</em> about the problem is usually very different from <em>solving</em> the problem.  </p><p>“Not the first promise he wouldn’t be able to keep”, Dean muttered and looked immediately sorry for having said it out loud. He pressed his eyes with the palms of his hands as if trying to push away a bad memory.</p><p>“Dean” Benny tried moving closer again, slower this time until he was just two feet away. Dean was way taller than him, but he looked smaller at that moment. Almost fragile, which was a weird thing given that he was over a six feet tall, muscular man holding a blade that could cut through bone. And still… “would you look at me?”</p><p>“How are you even here, man?” Dean’s voice was rising and Benny could see he was on the verge of spiraling out of control.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean how didn’t you walk away too? Everybody does! Sam did, my father did, Bobby did, Lisa and Ben did…”</p><p>“The angel didn’t walk away, brother” Benny had a feeling this wouldn’t help, but he kept talking, trying to mimic the way horse trainers talked to their stirred-up animals. “he’s com…</p><p>“Don’t say he’s coming back!” Dean shouted, finally meeting Benny’s gaze. His hands were slightly shaky and his eyes were unfocused. “You don’t know that. You <em>can’t </em>know that”.</p><p>Benny was beginning to wonder if it was best to restrain Dean. The whole thing looked dangerously close to a panic attack. Benny was way stronger, he could hold the hunter down until he cooled off, but something kept him at a safe distance. It might have been the blade in Dean’s hand, which Benny had seen decapitate a thousand vampires as if they were vegetables being sliced. Or maybe it was the cathartic effect this outburst might have on Dean.</p><p>“I know that he would never abandon you” Benny went on, as calmly as he could, keeping his hands to himself.</p><p>“He already did!” Dean yelled. “He left me for a freaking demon! Then he left me again because he decided to become God and that got him killed! And when I got him back? Ha! When I got him back he was <em>insane. </em>Oh, and when we got stuck here? The first thing he does is leave me again. So don’t you dare tell me he wouldn’t abandon me!</p><p>Benny didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell Dean that it was the venom talking, that he should calm down, that they didn’t have time for any of that. There were probably a dozen monsters surrounding them at that moment, given the volume of Dean’s voice. But he didn’t. It would have been the smart thing to do, for sure, but Benny chose to remain calm and talk to Dean instead.</p><p>“He came back each of this time, didn’t he?”</p><p>Dean looked at him, still apprehensive, but trying not to flip. His breathing was too fast, but he looked at Benny and <em>actually saw</em> him, for once.</p><p>“I never told him I forgave him”, Dean muttered, as a different kind of panic took hold of his face. When he spoke it was rushed and mumbled. “Every time he comes back, I’m so angry at him for having left… I never told him I forgive him every time”.</p><p>“He knows, brother”</p><p>“How could he?” Dean’s voice was hurt. Benny sighed. Cas knew it because it was obvious. Because even a blind man could see the affection Dean directed at him. And Cas was no blind man.</p><p>“He knows” Benny replied, more reassuring this time. “Trust me on that”. Dean didn’t seem convinced in the slightest. </p><p>“I’ll tell him” he managed to say, frenetical and distant. “When he comes back, I’ll tell him I forgive him. He will come back, right?”</p><p>Benny almost had to laugh. If Dean was anybody else, the story would be different, but he was Dean Winchester, <em>macho man</em> with a heart of steel. Seeing him like this was… odd, to say the least. He opened his mouth to joke about that but was interrupted by the sudden flap of wings on his back. Dean’s face lightened up on the same instant, transfiguring into some kind of hysteria, as he pushed Benny aside and ran towards Castiel.</p><p>The angel seemed exhausted. His trench coat was ripped in places it hadn’t been before and his eyes seemed heavy. Still, he managed a half-crocked smiled and said: “Hello Dean”. Or at least that's what he was planning on saying, for Dean didn’t even let him finish. He threw his arms around the angel and pushed him close, hugging him desperately and burring his face on Cas’s neck. After a second like this, he wrapped his hands on each side of Castiel’s head, forcing the angel to look him in the eyes. Benny couldn’t tell who looked less like himself: if it was Dean with his frenetic eyes and desperate breathing or Cas, who clearly had no idea what was going on and looked helplessly from Benny to Dean in search of answers. And if he was confused then, what Dean did next shut his system down completely.</p><p>“Never, <em>ever, </em>do that again, you hear me?”, the hunter warned him, half furious and half relieved. Cas opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Dean pulled the angel’s head towards his own and kissed him. It was not a soft or delicate thing. It was fierce, desperate, unplanned, and involuntary. Dean held him tightly between his hands as if he wanted to make sure Cas was there, that he was real, and that he wouldn’t go away. Castiel didn’t react, just stood there, eyes wider than humanly possible, completely shocked. When Dean finally pulled away, Cas’s stunned face was mirrored on his own, as if he had just woken up from a really weird dream and the memories were slowly catching up to him. Suddenly it was like there wasn’t a single drop of venom in his system. It looked like he was searching for the smartest escape route or for something that could turn him into a rock. Whichever made him disappear faster.</p><p>Benny was the first one who managed to say something. His jaw had dropped, which was more of a reaction than Cas or Dean could manage at the moment. He cleared his throat, which didn’t seem to make the slightest difference since the two of them remained still as statues. Very terrified statues. The only thing moving in Dean was his blood circulation, which was turning his face redder than Benny had ever thought was possible.</p><p>“I can assume that this had never happened before…” he said slowly, afraid that the sound of his voice would trigger Dean and he would disappear into the woods (something he looked very tempted to do).</p><p>“No…” Cas finally managed to say. He kept his eyes on Dean while he spoke, which Benny presumed was the only thing keeping the hunter where he was. “This is most definitely new.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Nine Months of Purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm so sorry for the long wait. I've been ridiculously busy and couldn't find the time I needed to finish this chapter. We're getting close to the end, so thank you for sticking around with me all this time.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They didn’t talk about it.</p><p>Castiel hadn’t really expected Dean to be able to confront what happened, but he didn’t expect Benny – or himself, for that matter – to just roll with it. He imagined at least one of them would address it at some point or the other, and yet almost five weeks had gone by without even a mention of the incident. Not that they had a lot of time to dwell on it. The past month had been rough, to say the least.</p><p>After the kiss, the venom’s effect seemed to wear off pretty quickly. Cas imagined that the shock – or whatever Dean’s reaction was – had purged most of what was still left out of his system. Not all of it. He and Benny still had to deal with a pretty shaken up Dean Winchester for a few hours after that. He was shaky and uneasy, and Cas was pretty sure Dean had a couple of hallucinations before he was completely clean. He hoped it hadn’t been John but had a strong feeling that it might have been. John Winchester, coming back to pass judgment on his son once again. Castiel could relate to the fear of a father’s judgment. He also wanted to tell Dean he had done nothing wrong to be judged for.</p><p>But he didn’t. Partially because that would mean bringing up the subject – something Dean had made pretty clear he did not want to do – but also because he needed some time to wrap his own head around it. Once the effect of the venom wore off completely, Dean returned to his usual self. Cas was afraid he would act uncomfortable or distant towards him, or that their interactions would be awkward in some way. And that happened for a short while, but it didn’t last. Just like Julietta had predicted, the monsters were not interested in leaving them alone.</p><p>The trio was being hunted like they never had before. New packs of monsters attacked them frequently. Sometimes they came in small groups, three to five monsters that were easy to beat. But sometimes they came at them in hordes. Packs of ten to twenty, something Benny claimed he had never seen in Purgatory.  There were no breaks and no time to walk on eggshells around each other. They needed precision as a team, they needed to fit together like a well-oiled machine, and that’s what they did.</p><p>Benny and Dean quickly adapted to this new rhythm. It was non-stop, but they seem to thrive in it. The more frenetic it got, the better they fought. Castiel didn’t want to admit it, but there was a part of him that was jealous. He had gotten used to Dean and Sam sharing this “mirror” dynamic while fighting, reflecting each other’s movements without any need for words. He liked to think that he and Dean shared that as well, to a certain degree. It was less symbiotic, but they had a rhythm of their own, they balanced each other and trusted each other while in a fight. They always had.</p><p>But what Dean had with Benny looked similar to what he had with Sam. It felt easy and natural and effortless. And they had come to that in less than a year. That shouldn’t bother him, but for some reason it did. It didn’t help that his role in a fight was usually around the action, wiping out enemies before they could get to Dean and Benny. When they clashed with a larger group, he fought around them, not with them. It was the smartest thing to do, and also the only way to keep the two of them alive.</p><p>Sometimes there was no fighting their way out of an attack, and they eventually had to learn how to run away. Dean hated that. He never liked to run away from a fight, but Cas was getting worried about how much he was enjoying 24/7 combat. He didn’t seem tired or angry, just… undisturbed. For some reason Cas couldn’t possibly begin to understand, Purgatory seemed to bring Dean a sense of balance. He seemed lighter and more at ease there, covered in blood and dirt, than he had ever been while dressed in one of his FBI suits.</p><p>Castiel absorbed all that over the weeks that followed Dean’s kiss. He absorbed and analyzed it. They were getting close to the exit. He could feel it, and the monsters could too, which might explain their constant attempts to slow them down. The angel decided that he had to figure out how to talk to Dean, really talk to him, before they got out. Because there would be no talking to him after that.</p><p>Cas swallowed the guilt about lying to Dean that was creeping upon him. He had made up his mind a long time ago, and it didn’t matter what Dean said, he was not leaving Purgatory. He didn’t deserve to leave. But he also didn’t want to let Dean go without talking to him. The hunter deserved a life outside, one that was not hunted by Castiel’s mistakes or Dean's own fears and repressed feelings. And most of all, Castiel didn’t want Dean to <em>miss</em> Purgatory. Although he couldn’t fully understand the relationship Dean had with the place, he knew that it somehow felt easier, simpler than his life outside.  They needed to have that conversation, otherwise, he wouldn’t forgive himself once Dean was gone. And he would be, really, really soon. With Benny.</p><p>The problem was, between the running and the fighting there didn't seem to be any time for an actual conversation. And even if there was, Cas couldn’t picture a scenario where he and Dean would have some time alone, without Benny. And as much as he had grown to like the vampire – which he had – Benny should not be a part of that particular conversation. They had formed a triangular relationship, it was true, but there was a story unfolding between Dean and Cas there had begun before Purgatory, and it required some sort of closure between the two of them as well.</p><p>To Castiel’s utmost surprise, Benny was the one who gave him the opportunity. More accurately, Benny presented it to him on a silver platter. They were having what seemed to be their first actual break in weeks. There hadn’t been any attacks over the past four hours, and they considered that a win. Eventually, they relaxed a little. Benny resumed his cheerful whistling, and Castiel was so relieved with the peacefulness around them that he didn’t even think about getting annoyed by it. When they found a clearing, Dean threw himself on the ground with a loud and tired groan.</p><p>“God, I forgot how good this feels” he mumbled, sounding ridiculously pleased.</p><p>“What? Sitting down?” Benny grinned at him but remained on his feet.</p><p>“Yeah, man”. Dean shut his eyes and smiled. He did look tired, after all. “My legs were starting to kill me”</p><p>“Sometimes I almost forget you’re human, Deano” Benny kicked him playfully on the side “then you open your mouth and remind me that you are in fact as resilient  as an old lady”</p><p>“An old lady that could kick your bloodsucking ass in a second, so watch it, Twilight”</p><p>Benny raised his eyebrows to Castiel and shrugged. Cas returned the gesture. Neither of them had seen the movie but they had given up in pointing that out to Dean months ago.</p><p>“Alright, sleeping beauty. Take your time” Benny kicked him softly one more time before walking away. “I’m gonna take a look around.”</p><p>Cas held him by the arm as the vampire began moving. “I should go”. It was his job to make rounds when they stopped. He was faster and could sense monsters. Benny relinquished his arm with a soft movement and gave Cas a playful wink.</p><p>“Don’t worry, angel. I’ll be back before you can start to miss me”</p><p>“It’s not about…”</p><p>“Hey” Benny locked eyes with him for a serious moment. “Those motherfuckers are coming in bigger groups. Dean and I can’t handle a pack on our own. If he’s going to rest, which is something we both know he needs to do, it’s safer for him to have <em>you</em> looking over his shoulder”.</p><p>It was a valid point, but Cas was still unsure. “What if you run into trouble?” Benny shrugged, apparently unconcerned.</p><p>“I’m fast. I can <em>outrun</em> trouble”.</p><p><em>Some of it might be faster than you</em>, Cas wanted to point out. Instead, he just sighed. He didn’t want to argue over this.</p><p>“Are you sure?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m sure, brother”. Benny patted him on the back and walked away, whistling as he did it. “Get some rest as well. You’ve earned it”</p><p>“I don’t need rest”, Cas mumbled, aware that it made him sound like a child. It wasn’t exactly true. What he didn’t need was <em>sleep</em>. It didn’t mean he never requires any kind of rest.</p><p>He turned around to sit beside Dean on the ground and only then it hit him: they were finally alone for the first time in over a month. Cas wondered if Benny was aware of what he was doing or if it had simply been a happy coincidence. Once he saw a slight tension taking on Dean’s face, however, he changed his mind about the ‘happy’ part. He let out a deep sigh and braced himself for what he knew would be a very uncomfortable conversation.</p><p>“Dean, I think we should…”</p><p>“Nope”. Dean raised a hand to cut him off without even opening his eyes. “Whatever you’re going to say, Cas, just don’t, alright?” His voice was harsh, but he wasn’t angry. At least he wasn’t angry <em>at Cas</em>. With his eyes still shut, Dean patted the grass beside him in an inviting manner. “Sit down for a bit, will you?”</p><p>Cas complied. Dean had laid down entirely by now. His head rested heavily on one of his arms as if he was preparing himself to sleep. He had dropped his blade on the ground beside him, close enough to reach in case of an emergency, but otherwise, he seemed completely relaxed. ‘<em>Seemed</em>’ being the operative word here, since Cas could feel the tension in his muscles and the heaviness of his breathing.</p><p>They sat in silence for a while, and it was weirdly comfortable. Cas enjoyed feeling Dean’s presence beside him, he always had. He liked the way the hunter’s breathing sounded when he was relaxed: strong, and even. He liked the way Dean's hands rested above his belly, tapping his finger to some silent tune that was playing in his head. He did the same thing against the wheel of the impala during long drives, but on those occasions, there was usually real music playing in the background. Cas liked the way his lips would curl slightly when his face was at ease, hinting at a soft smile that wasn’t actually there. Lips that he knew the feeling to now. The memory got him by surprise.</p><p>It hadn’t been his first kiss. There had been Meg, and Daphne, Emmanuel’s wife (poor Daphne, left behind without a word of explanation. One more victim on the list of sins Cas had to atone for). And of course, there were Jimmy’s memories as well, rooted in his body even though Jimmy himself was long gone by now. Still,<em> this was Dean</em>, and that made all the difference. If they had more time, he might be able to analyze his own feelings on the subject. But there wouldn’t be. Dean would be out of Purgatory sooner rather than later, and he would be left alone with his thoughts. There was no reason to torture himself trying to understand something that he would never be able to enjoy. Maybe just having that memory would have to be enough. He opened his mouth to try to talk to Dean again:</p><p>“Dean, I…”</p><p>“What is the first thing you want to do when we get back?” Dean was changing subjects on purpose, preventing him from talking, and Cas knew it. But his voice sounded so carefree that it would be a shame to spoil it with an argument.</p><p>“We’ve had this conversation before”. Cas didn’t want to lie to him but telling him that he wouldn’t be doing anything because he would not be coming back seemed like a terrible option as well.</p><p>“No, we’ve talked about things we’ve missed, or things we want to do again”, Dean corrected him, still with his eyes closed. “What is the first thing you’re going to do once you set foot on earth again?”</p><p>Cas didn’t answer. He couldn’t, and even thinking about it was starting to hurt him. Dean filled the silence for him.</p><p>“I’m going to have some pie”, he said, with a bigger smile than should ever be possible in a place like Purgatory. The angel rolled his eyes, but a smile escaped his lips as well. It was good to know there was still a part of old Dean in there, no matter how much Purgatory had changed him. “You’re laughing at me, but I’m not kidding, man.”</p><p>“I’m not laughing <em>at you</em>, Dean” Cas assured him, wondering how Dean had guessed that he was smiling even though his eyes were still shut. “I’m happy for you.”</p><p>“You’re happy because I want pie?”</p><p>“Yes”. Cas's smile widened and Dean opened his eyes to stare at him. Cas shrugged, feeling himself softening under Dean’s confused expression. “I’m happy you still have something to look forward to over there. You seem dangerously comfortable here sometimes”.</p><p>Dean frowned and rolled his body, lying on his side and looking straight into the angel’s eyes. He was considering him, trying to read him. It was the same thing he did to Sam when he knew something was wrong but wasn’t sure what it was. Of course, Dean knew Sam like the back of his hand. Possibly better. And Cas wasn’t human, he was a foreign language, a lot harder to decipher.</p><p>“Some things are easier here”, the hunter finally answered, giving up and laying on his back again, eyes turned to the treetops above them. “I know that sounds nuts because nothing is easier here but…”</p><p>“I get what you mean” Cas finished his sentence. Because it was true, he did know what Dean meant. It was part of the reason Castiel wanted to stay behind. He had to do penance, atone for his sins. But here, he wouldn’t have to face the consequences of his actions, the damage he had caused on heaven, the massacre of his brothers and sisters, Sam’s mind…  it was all too much. “Nothing holding you back here. For better or for worse”</p><p>Dean hummed in agreement. Castiel tried to imagine just how light he felt in Purgatory. No one to look after, no father to honor, no innocents to save, no shame or regret dragging him down… his ghosts were far, far away.</p><p>What Dean did next surprised Cas as much as the kiss had. Without warning, the hunter reached his hand and rested it on top of Cas’s. Startled, he almost pulled it away in an involuntary gesture, but Dean held it in place. Cas waited for him to speak, but he didn’t, so the angel turned his hand underneath the hunter’s and held it back. It was Dean's turn to be slightly startled by that, but his only response was to tighten his grip on Cas’s hand. He couldn’t believe how good that simple gesture made him feel. How warm. He didn’t know he was still able to feel like that, which only made everything worse.</p><p>“I wouldn’t say that <em>nothing</em> is holding us back here”, Dean managed to say. Cas had a feeling that each word was a challenge, but he was pushing through it. “But it’s easier. Lighter”</p><p><em>There’s no John</em>, Cas thought to himself. He glanced at the ground beside him, the place where Dean’s hand and his interlocked. They never talked about it, but he could guess that was something John wouldn’t approve of. Or that John’s ghost in Dean’s head wouldn’t let him have, at least. He didn’t know John Winchester enough to know for sure what he would or wouldn’t approve. And dead as he was, it didn’t matter what he would or wouldn’t approve. What mattered was the shadow he still cast over Dean’s mind. And that was a very large and heavy shadow.</p><p>Cas let himself enjoy Dean’s warmth. After what he’d done to Sam, that was something he never thought he would have again. It was so overwhelming he almost felt that he should give up on staying behind. Maybe he and Dean could figure it out after all. Maybe he could find forgiveness outside, with Dean’s help.</p><p>It was a fleeting thought and it was gone almost as fast as it had been formed. There were too many crimes hanging over his head. He didn’t deserve an easy way out like that. Especially one that would bring him so much happiness.</p><p>“Your life is outside”, he said, in an effort to get back on track and say what he wanted to say. “You can work out the hard parts with time. With help. But <em>don’t you dare</em> long for this place”. He realized he was pleading by now, but he didn’t care. Cas needed the hunter to move on. “You don’t belong here, Dean.”</p><p>“Don’t talk like you do”, Dean reprehended him. <em>Except that I do</em>, Cas wanted to say but kept it to himself. “We’re getting out soon, and then we’ll be able to figure it all out together”. Dean turned his head slightly towards Cas and lifted his gaze. Their eyes met and locked onto each other. The angel caught the hidden meaning in Dean’s words. He was telling him that they could figure <em>this</em> out together, whatever <em>this thing </em>between them was. Cas had to look away. They wouldn't have the time to figure anything out. He started talking again because the silence would drive him crazy:</p><p>“The first thing I would do after getting out would probably be… sitting with you and watching you eat your pie,” Cas said because for the first time a lie was easier to formulate than his actual thoughts. Dean laughed.</p><p>“You know that’s kind of creepy, don’t you?”</p><p>“It’s realistic”, Cas retorted. And it <em>was</em> true, hypothetically, at least. Not only because following Dean around was all he was good at while he was on earth, but also because watching Dean happy, watching him enjoying himself, was something that he <em>actually liked doing</em>. And if eating a pie was going to make Dean happy, then it was something he wouldn’t mind watching.</p><p>Except he wouldn’t watch, and he shouldn’t want to. He didn’t deserve that. <em>He didn’t deserve Dean</em>.</p><p>“We’re going to have movie night”, Dean told him, sounding genuinely excited with the idea. “I’m done with you not getting any of my references”</p><p>“It would take me a lifetime to learn enough to understand them all, Dean”, Cas sighed. He wasn’t annoyed, but he could pretend to be.</p><p>“A man can try”. Dean was grinning at him again, and Cas felt a sudden urge to bend down and kiss him. It would be so easy… his body begun moving in Dean’s direction, but then he forced himself to stop.</p><p>That, Castiel realized, was a new feeling. The desire to kiss someone like that, for the simple pleasure of it. That was absolutely new. Jimmy had felt something like that, so he could recognize the feeling, but Castiel, the angel, hadn’t. Meg had been an experiment, Daphne a sort of duty (husbands kiss their wives, right?), but Dean… Dean, <em>he actually wanted to kiss</em>. It was such a human thought he couldn’t quite believe it was real. He shouldn’t feel like this, it wasn’t in his nature. </p><p>The hunter had noticed the movement and shifted slightly, getting closer to Cas. What he was thinking, Castiel couldn’t tell. The angel couldn’t even imagine what Dean’s reaction would be if he had gone through with the kiss. Although he could imagine it wouldn’t be pretty. Holding hands was one thing – a thing Dean would never, <em>ever</em>, have done before Purgatory, but still… a reasonably simple thing – but a kiss? There were miles and miles of walls Dean built to protect himself that he would have to break down before doing something like that again. It was a level of honesty, of vulnerability Cas was sure he would never fully allow himself to show. Not sober, anyway. Castiel might not be human, but he had been around them long enough to know how they behaved. And he knew that particular human well enough to know that that venom-free-Dean wouldn’t kiss a man, no matter how much Cas wanted it to happen again.</p><p>But what was the point in wanting something you can never have?</p><p>When Dean realized that Cas was not going to move anymore, he shifted back to his original position. The angel could swear he saw something flicker behind Dean's green eyes. Was it disappointment? Or had that been just Cas’s wishful thinking?</p><p>The moment was gone after that, although they didn’t let go of each other’s hands. That, Castiel decided, was his last gift to himself. The last bit of happiness he was allowed to have. God, he would miss Dean!</p><p>When they finally heard Benny approaching, Cas thought Dean would let go of his hand immediately. And for a moment Dean clearly considered it. His body tensed and the grip around Cas’s hand softened. He was waging a battle inside his own mind, and Cas could see it unfolding. But he was surprised by the result.</p><p>Dean did eventually let go of his hand, but he did it slowly, naturally, and only <em>after </em>he was sure Benny had already seen it. He wasn’t trying to hide it. He simply wanted to preserve the intimacy of that moment. It was not a secret, but it was theirs, and Cas was more than ok with that.</p><p>“Hope you two didn’t have too much fun without me”, Benny joked.  </p><p>“Quieter time we’ve had in weeks, actually”, Dean said. “I’m starting to think you are the actual monster magnet, Benny”.</p><p>“If you had any idea of how strong your smell is you wouldn’t even joke about that”. Benny replied, throwing himself on the ground beside them. “Everything seems clear. I think we finally got ourselves some time to relax”.</p><p>“For now”, Cas remind them. It wasn’t a good idea to let them get careless when they were so close to their goal.</p><p>“Don’t ruin this for me, angel”, Benny elbowed Cas’s arm playfully.</p><p>“Benny’s right, Cas. We’ve earned a little rest.” Cas couldn’t argue with that.</p><p>Benny followed Dean’s example and lay down on the ground next to Cas. He wasn’t as close to him as Dean but was also at arm’s reach. There was a feeling of trust there that allowed for proximity, and the angel couldn’t pinpoint exactly when they had gotten there, but he was glad that they had. Even though Benny’s relationship with Dean was still more annoying than he would care to admit.</p><p>“So,” Dean said, after a few minutes of silence. “Cas and I were talking about what are we going to do first once we’re out of here”</p><p>“Uhn”, Benny considered that for a while before answering. “The nice answer would be going to the beach. The nearest beach I could find. Now, the real answer? I’ll probably go looking for the nearest blood bank”.</p><p>Dean laughed and even Cas let off a tiny smile.</p><p>“Honestly, dude? That’s better than the nearest neck, so I’m not even going to complain”.</p><p>They fell into a comfortable silence after that. Benny dozed off for a few minutes, and Dean closes his eyes as well, although Cas could tell he was not sleeping. He forced himself to hold this memory tight. It would be one of the last good ones he would ever have. He could already tell it was going to be precious. At some point, Dean opened his eyes slightly, just enough to exchange a glance with the angel. He smiled, and Cas didn’t ask what that smile meant. He simply smiled back. Dean would be ok. He would have Sam, and Benny, and himself, for that matter. He was a strong man, and he would eventually get over the loss of Cas.</p><p><em>He’s going to be ok, </em>Cas repeated to himself. <em>He’s going to be ok. </em></p><p>He repeated that mantra over and over in his head until he could almost believe it. Almost.   </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Eleven months of Purgatory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We’re getting close” Benny told them over his shoulder. It was the fifth time he had said that during the past twelve hours, and Dean was starting to get sick of it. He had been thrilled the first couple of times, skeptical at the third, annoyed at the fourth, and <em>really annoyed </em>at the fifth. </p><p>“Really?” The hunter was surprised by the sarcasm in his own voice. “I don’t see crap. What the hell is this escape hatch supposed to look like?”</p><p>“He doesn’t know” Cas grumbled behind Dean. He said it very matter-of-factly, not annoyed or angry about it. Dean, on the other hand, didn’t like to hear that. Over the past year (and yes, it had been a <em>freaking year</em>) Benny never thought about mentioning that he didn’t actually know how the damn thing even looked like? That seemed rather hard to believe. </p><p>“You drove me through the fire. Please tell me you know”. Benny ignored him and kept moving forward. </p><p>“It’s here”, he said, sounding confident enough about it. “They promised”. </p><p>“Oh, they? That’s comforting” Dean muttered. He was shocked this was the first time he was hearing about how scarce Benny’s information was. Granted, he never really <em>asked</em> how the vampire knew about the portal, but he always assumed it was something a little more solid than ‘<em>they promised’</em>. </p><p>Cas was the only one who seemed calm. He had been more silent than usual over the past months. Ever since the wraith incident. Dean was finding it harder and harder to read him, and he didn’t like that one bit. No matter how odd the angel’s behavior was, Dean had grown to understand him pretty well. And even when he couldn’t understand what was going on in Castiel’s head, at least he was always able to tell when something was wrong. Now? He wasn’t even sure about that. </p><p>But when Castiel spoke, he didn’t sound preoccupied. He sounded grounded, realistic: “Well,” he began, “even if it does exist…”</p><p>“Broken record, Cas”, Benny cut him off and quickened his pace, leaving Dean and Castiel behind. The vampire sounded as displeased about the whole thing as Dean felt. They had better be close, the hunter thought to himself, otherwise, they might kill each other out of annoyance.   </p><p>Once Benny was far enough not to pay them any more attention, Cas closed the distance between himself and Dean. The hunter didn’t turn to face him, because he guessed what was coming. Cas had indeed sounded like a broken record over the past weeks. And the tune he was playing on repeat wasn’t one Dean enjoyed in the slightest.   </p><p>“Dean,” Cas called, walking only a couple of steps behind him “It’s a human portal. There is no proof that an angel can pass…”</p><p>“Stow it, Cas”, Dean kept moving. He had no time for that. He hadn’t wanted to listen to it months ago, he didn’t want to listen to it now. “You’re coming, that’s final”. </p><p>“I’m just saying”, Cas reached his hand and grabbed Dean by the shoulder, forcing him to halt so that they were facing each other. Cas’s hold on Dean’s arm was gentle. Firm, but not angry, and when he locked his eyes (his ridiculously blue and intense eyes) on Dean, the hunter felt his heart skip a beat and instantly cursed himself for it. Not the right place, <em>certainly </em>not the right time. “If it doesn’t work…” Cas hesitated before continuing. His tone was serene. Dean held his breath, fearing the angel’s next words, but Cas simply said: “thank you. For everything.”</p><p>He sounded so tired as if there wasn’t a single spark of strength left in him. Dean swallowed. They were so close. Cas just had to hold on for a little bit longer and then they would be back home, and he could rest and let go of whatever it was that was eating him since they arrived at that place. He felt a very strong urge to hug Cas right there and then. Just pull him close, tell him it was going to be ok. Comfort him and tell him he would be able to rest very soon. He just had to hold on for a little bit longer. He didn’t do any of that. Instead, he held Cas’s gaze and said, as firmly and confidently as he could: </p><p>“Save the Hallmark. Ok? It’s gonna work”. <em>It had to work.</em> “Nobody gets left behind”. He trailed off before Cas could say anything that might make Dean lose his focus. Cas was a warrior of heaven, not a lost kitten. They were being hunted and if he let his guard down for a second because he wanted to cuddle Cas like a child, they wouldn’t make out of that place alive. </p><p>Besides, Dean wasn’t sure he trusted himself around Cas. Not after the wraith. The memory of the kiss was still fresh in his memory, and he hadn’t work through that yet. After the effect was gone, there had been other, more subtle episodes, like holding Cas’s hand, finding excuses to touch him in the arms or shoulders more frequently than it should be necessary (or normal), dozing off with his head resting on the angel’s shoulder, the slow movement of his breathing as soothing as the sound of the wind. He <em>wanted </em>to touch Cas, to keep him close, to feel his warmth and his presence. And they were in Purgatory. They were doomed already and there was no one close to judge, so why not? Why hold back? He wasn’t holding back with the killings – he felt a lot freer than he had in a very long time – why should he hold back when it came to Cas? </p><p>Still, it was too much, and Purgatory wasn’t the place to work through all that. Dean wasn’t even sure if he <em>wanted</em> to work through it, or simply ignore it, blame it on the venom, and never address it again. At first, he thought he could do that suppress it as he did with everything else, but for some reason, it wasn’t so simple anymore. It was as if a door he had fought a lot to keep hidden deep inside himself was finally open, tempting him to go through it. He wasn’t sure he would able to close it again. </p><p>‘<em>We’ll have time to figure it out ’, </em>Dean told himself. He caught up with Benny and turned to Cas, to see if the angel was still behind them. He was, of course. Lost somewhere deep in his thoughts. ‘<em>We’re gonna get out and then we’ll deal with it”. </em>Dean was surprised by realizing he was actually looking forward to figuring it out, whatever <em>it </em>was. </p><p>They walked for another hour in silence. Dean was angry at Benny for withholding information and for being so inexplicably certain about the proximity of the portal, but he wouldn’t say anything. Benny looked stressed enough without his help. He was also worried about Cas, who seemed more and more distant each time Dean checked on him from over his shoulder. They were at their limit and he knew it. The fact that they were – hypothetically – so close to getting out was making it worse, not better. It was as if they had swum across the ocean and now the sight of shore finally reminded them of how exhausted they were.  </p><p>“Maybe you were lied to”, Cas pointed out. He was trying to help, not provoke. Not that it mattered at that point. “Maybe there is no seam”. </p><p>“I lie, I don’t get lied to”, Benny retorted, without turning back at them. “Aren’t you guys all about faith?”</p><p>Cas sighed. “Not particularly”, he said.</p><p>Dean glanced at him. They hadn’t talked about how Castiel felt about his faith in years, and the hunter was pretty damn sure being God and then going crazy for a while must have had some kind impact on the guy’s world views. The hunter felt his chest tightening. He knew the feeling of having your whole set of believes crumbling down right in front of you all too well. He knew how it felt to be betrayed by the ones who were supposed to love you, how it felt to lose faith. And it sucked. </p><p>He was about to tell Benny that maybe they should stop for a while when something suddenly caught his eye. A leaf rose from the ground and floated mid-air, as if held by an invisible hand, right before being sucked forward by a breeze that wasn’t there. The three of them followed its movement with their eyes and there it was, a flickering blue light that felt as if it was pulling everything around it like a black hole. Somehow Dean could feel it in his gut, the energy around that thing was calling out to him. Benny’s grim face lightened up immediately. </p><p>“Oh, ye of friggin little Faith”, he said, grinning at them. Dean didn’t react. He couldn’t believe it. After all that time, he couldn’t believe they had made it. And the feeling was so god damn intense he couldn’t even begin to organize his thoughts. </p><p>“What the hell?”, he muttered. </p><p>“There it is”, Cas said, in a very low voice. “It’s reacting to you”. </p><p>That snaped Dean out of whatever place his head had gone to. He raised his eyes and realized Benny was looking at him with a mixture of expectation and anxiety. Dean knew what the next step was. They had talked it over again and again for more than a month. Dean’s Latin was good enough and there was no secret to the spell. They could pull it off easily, but he knew Benny was nervous. He was too. </p><p>“Alright. Are you ready?” Dean pulled his knife and made a clean cut on his forearm. The sharp pain was very familiar, but that didn’t make it any less of a bitch. He turned to Benny “Just like we talked about”. </p><p>The vampire smiled while staring at the wound on Dean’s arm. He was trying to hide his uneasiness. It wasn’t necessary. Dean knew that if he had to put his soul into another dude’s arm he would be terrified as well. Benny grinned at him one last time before stepping forward. “Putting a lot of trust in you, brother” </p><p>“You earned it”, Dean assured him. Because it was true. Benny had earned every last bit of his trust. The vampire had put his own safety in jeopardy to protect Dean countless times over the past year. He had killed his own kind, he fought beside Dean and, most important of all, he had trusted Dean through every single step of the way. Yeah, Benny had earned his ride.  </p><p>After the vampire cut his own flesh, he managed a smug smile at Dean. Confident as ever. </p><p>“I’ll see you on the other side”</p><p>Dean starts the incantation and observes while Benny is dragged into him. It looks weird, but it feels like shit. Having another soul slide into you it’s uncomfortable and invasive. It burns like hell and once it is all inside, it tingled and itched as if fire ants were biting him from the inside. As strange as it sounds, Dean imagined he could feel <em>Benny. </em>Not just feel something, but feel Benny inside him somehow. His friend was trying not to hurt him, Dean could tell, but a soul was still a heavy burden, even one that knew how to behave. </p><p>Once Benny seems settled enough, Dean turned to Cas, who had remained silent throughout the whole procedure. Dean wondered how he felt about seeing him taking in a soul inside his body if it triggered anything in Cas after what he’d been through. “Let’s go”, he tells the angel. Cas nods and they start moving towards the portal. </p><p>The seam was further away than Dean had originally thought, and it was also on high ground. Even though it was not a hard climb, Dean could feel himself dragging the pace. Benny didn’t burn anymore, just itched a little, but it was still heavy. Cas was a few steps behind him, and also seemed to move slower than usual. As they got higher, the woods around them became less dense and they could see Purgatory from above. The hunter held his breath. It was at the same time exactly what he expected and nothing like he would have dreamed. From above the rocks, it was like looking down on an infinite forest, that stretched on and on forever. There were no particularly high trees, all of them covered in the same light grayish atmosphere that tainted Purgatory as a whole. Even the sky, to which Dean had an unobstructed view now, lacked color. It was blue and there were barely any clouds, but still, it was lifeless and cold. They’d spent almost an entire year underneath that sky. It was almost impossible to imagine something different from that.  </p><p>“Dean, wait”, Cas called behind him. There was a note of alarm in his voice that had Dean shivering before even turning to face the angel.</p><p>Before he could ask what was wrong, there was a massive impact on the ground a few steps in front of them. Dean covered his face but he knew exactly what it was. He cursed under his breath. Leviathan. They crashed the ground as two shapeless bodies of black goo but quickly started to take form. The first one took the shape of a bald man, the second, a blond woman, both dressed completely in black. Dean went straight for the man but was immediately struck down. He had somehow forgotten how strong the sons of bitches could be. Things happened way too fast and before Dean could even realize it he was rolling down the hill after being tossed by the bald leviathan.</p><p>He looked up and saw Cas getting beat up by both of the monsters at once. He was fighting back, but they managed to get him on the ground. Dean ran up the hill as fast he could. He saw when Cas pushed the woman away, but the man was still right onto him. Dean reached them just as the Leviathan was opening his dreadful mouth to attack Cas. Instinct took over him and before he knew it, the leviathan’s head was on the ground, a few feet away from his body. The woman took that opening and attacked them, but Cas was able to hold her down enough so that Dean could decapitate her just as he had done to her partner. The whole confrontation was over in a matter of seconds, but he felt every muscle in his body aching, asking for rest. Cas was kneeling on the ground beside one of the headless bodies. As much as Dean wanted to do the same, he knew there was no time.</p><p>“We gotta move!” He screamed, trying to make himself heard over the loud row that was coming from the top of the hill. He pulled Cas from the ground and held his shoulders until he was sure the angel could stand on his own. “The portal’s closing!”</p><p>The beam of light was right above them, and Dean could feel its pull. He ran as fast as he could towards it, which, granted, wasn’t very fast since he was also exhausted and hurting all over. Still, Cas fell behind him, dragging his pace the closer they got to the portal. When Dean finally reached the light and stepped inside it, he turned back and realized his friend had fallen a couple of feet away. Cas was struggling to pull himself up.</p><p>“Cas, damn it!” Dean stretched his arm towards Cas. He tried to get out of the portal, but his feet were already being sucked by some invisible force within it. It was like being inside a river with a violent current. There was no fighting it. “Come on!” He stretched even further and felt when Cas’s hand met his. Dean held it as tight as he possibly could. “I got you! Hold on!</p><p>But Cas was weighing down on him as if he’s not even trying to get up. Dean feels the angel being pulled in the opposite direction, feels their hands grasping for each other against the strength of that pull.</p><p>“Dean!” Cas screamed. His eyes looked desperate, blue and wide and so very human. <em>He is scared</em>, Dean realizes.</p><p>“Hold on!” He tells Cas again, putting every bit of strength he has left into holding the angel’s hand. Maybe he can’t pull him up, but he can hold on. Dean would never, <em>ever</em>, let go of Castiel’s hand.</p><p><em>I’ll never let go, </em>he tells himself, <em>never let go of him again. </em>But no matter how much he repeated that to himself, he could feel Cas’s hand slipping away. The sound of the portal around him got louder and louder and the pressure around his body pulling him in got stronger. He could barely see anything that wasn’t the portal’s shining blue light. He couldn’t see Cas anymore and… suddenly he couldn’t feel Cas’s hand on his anymore.</p><p>“Dean!” He thought he heard the angel calling him again, but it was too far away. He was being swallowed by the portal, drowning in the blue light and the loud row. He wasn’t even sure if he was breathing or not until… until he was. Just like that, the light was gone, the sound was gone and there was grass beneath his fingers. Not purgatory grass, but green, moisty grass. And it was dark. Darkness like he hadn’t seen in almost a year. <em>Nighttime, </em>he realized, catching his breath. He was out.</p><p>Dean’s eyes lowered to his gaze to his now free hand, that rested beside his body, empty. That hand was intertwined with Cas’s just a second ago. He could still feel the angel’s grip, his weight pulling him down while Dean tried to pull him up. The hunter let his head fall heavily against the ground. Cas wasn’t there. After all that time, after all, they had been through, he didn’t get out. Dean wanted to scream or break something but his instincts told him to get up, to find out where he was, get to safety. He could fall apart afterward. Right now, he needed to focus.</p><p>Benny grew uneasy inside him, burning hot against his skin. It didn’t hurt at all, but Dean knew he had to get the vampire out of there, as soon as he could. <em>One thing at a time, </em>he reminded himself. Years and years of his father’s intense military logic took over him. Assess your situation, get to safety, make a plan. Everything else can wait. C<em>as can’t wait, </em>said a voice inside his head, a voice he knew he could NOT pay attention to right now. </p><p>“Pull yourself together, Winchester”, he muttered to himself, getting on his feet. The air on his skin was chilly, which helped ground him to reality. He started walking through the woods, his heart beating as if he was still being chased, still in danger, and eventually heard something. Voices. Dean took a hold of his blade and walked as silently as he possibly could towards the sound.</p><p>It was coming from a tent, he realized. A camping tent. There was a young man outside of it, holding onto a flashlight and talking to another person still inside, who Dean couldn’t see. “It was a deer”, he heard the man saying. Such a normal picture it felt almost surreal. Dean’s heart jumped again. Normality felt very, very wrong. “I don’t know, it was like a deer or something”, the boy kept talking to the person inside the tent and clearly didn’t realized that Dean was getting closer. When he turned his flashlight back to the woods Dean was blinded by the white flash and cover his eyes. The man – who was more boy than man – screamed.</p><p>“Where am I?” Dean asked. Adrenaline was still flowing through his veins, but he tried not to scare the boy, which was probably impossible since he was covered in blood, dirt, and holding a very terrifying knife.  </p><p>“What?” the boy managed to ask, his flashlight still pointed straight at Dean. Another sound came from the tent behind the young man and Dean’s free hand got a hold of his gun before he could even think about it. He had barely used it while in purgatory since the bullets were pretty harmless against monsters,  but the instinct was still there. And after a year with no use, the thing still had at least four bullets left.</p><p>Who came out was a girl, dark-haired and absolutely terrified. She took protection behind her boyfriend and Dean realized neither of them looked like a threat. Still, he didn’t lower the gun. A lot of things didn’t look like a threat until they had already ripped your head out, and he wasn’t about to take any chances.</p><p>“Where’s the road?” he asked, more firmly this time.</p><p>“Twelve miles, that way”, the boy pointed it to him, but his hand was trembling. Dean probably looked like the stuff of nightmares. He allowed himself a quick look at the camp and found what he was looking for. A stuffed bag, the kind you fill with food, water, and whatever other nonsense tourists think it’s important to survive in the woods. Without lowering his gun, he knelt and grabbed the bag. He definitely needed it more than the young couple. Then he ran as fast as he could in the direction the boy had pointed him.</p><p>It was going to be hard adjusting. Not being in constant danger. Remembering that not every single person that steps in your way was a threat. It would take a while. And Cas wasn’t going to be there to help.</p><p><em>Not now, </em>he reminded himself. <em>Don’t think about him now.</em> Benny shifted under his skin as if he agreed with that.</p><p>Dean kept running. He kept running until he found the road, and he kept running after that.</p><p>Four days later he said goodbye to Benny, and that hurt a lot more than he thought it would. After a year, he knew he would miss the son of a bitch a lot more than he would ever admit out loud. Benny was family now, even if neither of them ever said it. After they went their separate ways, Dean was finally alone. He couldn't crumble just yet. He still had to find Sam. But without Benny's burning energy underneath his skin it was harder to keep it together. Cas's absence was loud and impossible to ignore. And yet somehow he was able to push it down, store it away in some dark corner of his mind. Thinking about it would drive him insane and he knew it. Just as thinking about Cas's hand against his skin would, about his ridiculously blue eyes, about his soft smile, about his lips against Dean's... </p><p>Yeah, Purgatory was bloody. And Messy. Thirty-one flavors of bottom-dwelling nasties. Hell, most days had felt like 360-degree combat. <em>But not all days, </em>he thought to himself. <em>Some things were easier over there. </em></p><p>No! He couldn't think about any of that. He had to find Sam, he had to find Kevin. He had to let Cas go. He <em>had to. </em>Otherwise... otherwise what was the point of getting out of Purgatory in the first place? His life was here. This was real. Sam was real and Cas? Cas was gone. Dean took a deep breath and moved forward. It was going to be a very, very long walk to Whitefish, Montana. And if he wanted to make it, he couldn't carry Cas's weight with him. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is it, guys. Your comments were what motivate me to keep writing and I want to thank you all so much for the support and for striking around with me to see where this story was going.<br/>Yes, the Purgatory arc ends here, but I still have a short epilogue planed. I think Cas and Dean deserve it. It will be the final chapter, but I promise I will make it worth your time and patience.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic is a collective of nine sparse moments I've built up in my mind to make sense of what life was like in Purgatory.<br/>The chapters don't follow a narrative thread – although they do follow a chronological one. They are more like flashes of what life was like in Purgatory throughout the year Cas, Benny, and Dean spent there. What they were talking about, what they were feeling, how their relationship progressed throughout the months they spent together...  </p><p>I hope you enjoy it. </p><p>Also, I just wanted to apologize in advance for the broken English and any lack of vocabulary that you may find. I'm not a native speaker and I didn't have beta readers for this, so you are bound to find an eventual error.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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